Hana@43

Self healing mechanism

2011-10-01T07:50:00.000-07:00

Calling from the heart

2011-09-29T20:41:00.000-07:00

Landed on Heathrow Airport feeling nervous and uncertain, F and M were among the cream of the crops being sent to Oxbridge programme back in 1984. They were lucky for being selected as the foster children of one of the officers at the Malaysian Student Department. The dedicated and compassionate officer (Ustaz) and his wife would visit them and bring home cooked food to their place and every now and then would see to their needs until the Ustaz left London for good.

Once, F came back to his home country for holiday and he took a great effort to visit the Ustaz.

Time passed..... and passed ..... and passed.... F has become a respectable surgeon..... Time passed.... and passed...... and passed...... Once in a while the Ustaz's wife will talk about their foster children ... wondering what have they become .......

Once peaceful morning after suffering from multiple illnesses for quite a while, the Ustaz passed away...... Time passed .... and passed........ and passed.....

Then one day, the surgeon suddenly reminisced the moments when he was in the foreign land and the kindness which had been extended by the Ustaz. His heart longing to find the officer. The surgeon's wife emphatized with the husband's inner desire posted an announcement on her facebook wall searching for the Ustaz or his family. To her amazement, the response she received was very quick and she got to talk to the Ustaz's daughter instantly. Sadness tone could be felt on the other end of the receiver when the surgeon learnt about the demise of the officer. The surgeon then called the Ustaz's wife and made arrangement to pay her a visit.......

Alhamdulillah .... at last my mom gets to meet him, his once upon a time a foster child whom she would talk about every now and then. May Allah reward my parents' kindness with Jannah.

Self check

2011-09-28T20:07:00.000-07:00

Improving ourselves from time to time must be top priority.

We must be better persons today as compared to yesterday.
We must be better boys/girls today as compared to yesterday.
We must be better men / women today as compared to yesterday.
We must be better son/daughter today as compared to yesterday.
We must be better husbands/wives today as compared to yesterday.
We must be better fathers/mothers today as compared to yesterday.
We must be better workers today as compared to yesterday.
We must be better doctors/nurses today as compared to yesterday.
We must be better managers today as compared to yesterday
We must be better teachers today as compared to yesterday.
We must be better students today as compared to yesterday.
We must be better leaders today as compared to yesterday.
We must be better directors today as compared to yesterday.

We must be better! We must be improving without stopping .......
Do self-check!

Have we done enough for ourselves?
Have we done enough for our stake holders?
Have we done enough for our children?
Have we done enough for our parents?
Have we done enough for our country?

Narrow it down and do another detailed self-check!

What have I done to improve myself?
Is my return this time just as good/bad as last year?
What skills have I improved this time?
Have my attitude changed to become better individual?
Have I taken all the advices given to me seriously?
Have I planned and implemented the strategies to improve my behaviour, thinking, personality, effort and attitude?
What have I done to please my parents?
Have I done enough?
What shouldn't I do next time?
What should I do next time?
Have I listed them down?
Have I prepared check list?
Have I taken my parents' advice seriously?
Have I applied my parents' advice in my day to day living?
Have I set/regard my parents' command as first priority?
What else can I improve?

Improving ourselves is a never ending task. Just be thankful that we have parents, family and friends who are able to do some check and balance towards or thoughts and actions.

The gift of life

2011-09-28T17:04:00.000-07:00

43! Some people say age is just a number. Yup, but humans give meaning to this number. 43 means a lot to me this year to mark the number of years Allah has lent me the life to live with my loved ones. I don't wish to live for a very long time but I wish to live a healthy and quality life with the people I love around me.

Allah has been very generous to me indeed.... The biggest present I have all these years are my family members ... my other half, my children, my parents, my grandparents and my siblings. They made my life complete, Alhamdulillah.

Thank you Allah for the blessings, happiness and health....... Happy 43rd birthday!

Trailing the memory lane

2011-09-28T00:44:00.000-07:00

Being able to meet junior high school and high school friends after some 20 odd years (almost 30 years) was really a blessing. I am grateful to my spouse for his understanding in letting me go with Liza, my junior high school long lost friend. I could not really recognize some of the boys or I would rather call men (since we are all in our 40+....hehe... how time flies). We were in our early teens when we were classmates, schoolmates and dorm mates. I can imagine how ugly, chubby, childish and untidy must I have been back then.

Alhamdulillah, we survived boarding school. Being away from parents at the tender age of 13. What did we do together? Attend school, do laundry, make up beds, clean dormitory, play games and sports, watch movie, pray together, help teacher, study at night, .... the list could go on and on.... Those were the days....

Now that we have settled down with family and children.....we lead our own lives and take our own path and career. I must thank Ahmad Hazari Ismail (AHI), my classmate from form 1-5) and NorMuriani (who had helped me and took a great effort to find facial cream for my acne problem back in 1983) for their effort in reuniting us. Without their commitment and hardwork I don't think the event would be a success. Thank you to Liza too for being my co-pilot and for keeping me company along the way. Alhamdulillah, I really hope there would be some other time we would meet again.

The Tone

2011-09-11T19:06:00.000-07:00

A mother's heart is in grief....

Any child must know that

It is okay for parents to talk in firm tone but a child must never!
It is okay for parents to speak in a loud tone but a child must never!
It is okay for parents to talk in a harsh tone but a child must never!

A child MUST NOT give any excuse to allow them to talk in a LOUD tone to their parents by saying "You started with that tone first!".

Why do parents talk in loud tone?
There must be reasons ...

to emphasize the importance of the commands given
to warn or teach a lesson after several reminders have been extended
to ensure that the advice offered registered into their mind
to prevent them from getting annoyed by the child's anticipated behaviour.

Bear in mind what ever the tone used by parents when they speak must be for reasons.... they are used to the child's behaviour and they know by heart how the child will react ...

A child MUST NOT use a loud or harsh tone when talking to parents!! NEVER, NEVER!

Nearing 43

2011-09-07T19:44:00.000-07:00

Will I be able to make to 43? Only Allah knows. I'll change the title of this blog to Hana@43 soon! Looking back..... I feel so grateful to Allah the All Mighty for blessing me with the life I've been living. I wouldn't ask for more although I do believe that I could have accomplished more.....

I am blessed with knowledgeable and respectable father, Allahyarham Ustaz Hj Hussain b Unang. I am blessed with beautiful and kind mother, Hajjah Ramlah bt Hj Suri. I am blessed for still having my dear grandmother around, Hajjah Sulimah bt Marjungi. I am blessed with accomplished siblings, Dr Hjh Nurulhuda Hussain, Dr Hjh Nurulwafa Hussain and Hj Muhammad Zaid Hussain.

I am blessed having the pillar of my strength: My family. I am blessed with a handsome and generous husband, Hj Abd Hakim bin Husin. I am blessed with 5 intelligent and lovely children, Nuha Muneerah bt Abd Hakim, Izzah Farihah bt Abd Hakim, Muhammad Afnan b Abd Hakim, Muhammad 'Ammar b Abd Hakim and Muhammad Aiman b Abd Hakim. I am blessed for having 8 cats roaming around the house whose characters are able to make me chuckle.

I am blessed for the education and the qualification I received. I am blessed for having a career which I am passionate about although I have become a victim of several opportunist people throughout my career.

I am blessed for still able to breathe and enjoy the health, wealth and happiness that bestowed upon me although the Dr had once told me that I might not even live to see my kids grow up. O course the list doesn't stop here ....

Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah...

21 years

2011-08-07T05:21:00.000-07:00

Alhamdulillah, how time flies.... it has been 21 years .... been through ups and downs ... turbulence of emotions.....joyful, happy and sweet moments .... sad, painful and bitter times .... frustrations .... disappointments ....... satisfactions ... achievements .... you name it ... I've gone through them all and I thank Allah for bestowing me happiness all this while. I pray to Allah that happiness will continue to be mine. Days and nights I pray that Allah will strengthen the bond and intensify my feelings and vice versa till my last breath.

May Allah bless me and my family. Thank you Allah.

Mindset

2011-07-15T01:02:00.000-07:00

We are what we think we are. If we have set it up in our mind and do nothing to change we cannot say we have tried and failed. If we set it in mind that we are just good for nothing bloke, then we are just that, period!

Never and never tell yourself that you are born to fail and make people upset and that is the only thing you are good at.

All the things I say and the actions I do, they are all calculated.... after I have given much thought.... They are all for the best for everyone concerned even if I have to be the sacrifice and even if I have to be the punch bag. I pray that Allah will safeguard and forgive me and all the people I love.

Motherhood

2011-06-13T06:16:00.000-07:00

It has never been easy being a mother. From the first day you conceive a baby.... the morning sickness that you need to bear throughout the pregnancy... the loss of appetite, the pain, the nausea, the headache, the vomiting, the instability of emotion, you name it....

Then you go to the delivery stage - only Allah knows how painful it was when the baby's head passed through the cervix ... the healing process and the confinement that a mother needs to go through doesn't last until at least a month ... well, the list could go on and on ... the weight gain, the shape loss, the sagged boobs, the sleepless nights,.......etc etc....

As children are growing up, mothers curb their thinking, behaviour and action according to their beliefs and customs. You make sure they know how to differentiate right from wrong, good from bad and halal from haram. You tell them repeatedly what they should do and what they should not do. You constantly remind them to be good to themselves and to others. You keep on instilling values and taught them to be respectful towards other people. You thought you have taught them enough. You thought they will be be obedient children. You thought they will remember and listen well .... As mother, you would always choose to see the positive things in your children. As mother, you would always think that your children will not let you down.

However, challenges become intense as the children get older, especially when they are defiance towards the regulations set by you. You suddenly refuse to admit that you have lost the child you have loved and nurtured. It makes you wonder... where did you go wrong? Have you taught her right from wrong, good from bad and halal from haram? Have you taught her to pray and recite the holy Quran? Have you hugged and kissed her? Have you brought her for holiday abroad? Have you bought her most of the things she needed? Have you told her that you love her? Have you reminded her of her duties? Have you.... have you .... have you.... YES! What else does she want? Freedom? How free could she be? Only Allah has the answer.

Prayers will go to all the children... None will be left out. May Allah forgive all the children and may Allah make it less intense for this mother to deal with the rest of the children. Motherhood is not easy, has never been easy, and will never be easy. May Allah give wisdom, guidance, blessings and strong intuition to all mothers....

Living my dreams

2011-03-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

I've always dreamt of traveling to places which I haven't been too....
20 years ago, I dreamt of going to NZ. The dream is far from my reach ... Then I dreamt of going to Istanbul...still...it remains a dream. I've also longed to visit Taj Mahal to witness Shah Jahan's eternal love towards Mumtaz Mahal.....If you ask me ...the answer is not yet!.

I had chances to visit Vietnam and Bandung with my ex colleagues before...BUT... the former I didn't have the green light to go and the latter I got to know it too late.
Another place I wish I could go to is Korea....looking at my friends pictures on facebook, I felt the excitement.... I thanked them for sharing the pictures... at least I could see how the place is like.

Besides, I was also hoping I could visit Salwa in Rome, Shal in Joburg then and in Stockholm now, Nisa in NY.... will I get the chance before Salwa comes back for good? I've been wanting to go back to Stockton, Turlock and Azusa as well as London to trail the memories I've left behind..... I've logged on to AirAsiaX many times...browsing, surveying and calculating fares for 6/7 pax... but in the end I had to jump to other websites or social network to redirect my frustrations.... Well I'm very well aware those dreams are beyond me at this point of time...

Then, I logged on to AirAsia... looking for suitable dates and cheapest fair to travel locally... I haven't been to Tioman Island, not even Pangkor Island.... Redang, Perhentian.... I would log off when I could not decide on the dates and when the fare is beyond me......

Well, staying positive, I concluded that I have lived my dreams... I've performed Hajj, I performed umrah 4 times, I've been to

the Great Wall of China in Beijing,
Tokoname and Nagoya in Japan,
Tehran and Isfahan in Iran.....
I've traveled to Makati and Manila in Philipines,
Phuket in Thailand
Medan in Indonesia.
I've lived in Singapore for about 3 years,
I've lived and studied in California, USA for 3 and a half years
I've lived in London, England for several months when my dad worked there way back in 1982 - 1985

I should be thankful and grateful... Life is short after all.... just be thankful... Thank you Allah...Alhamdulillah...

A long pause

2011-02-28T06:09:00.000-08:00

Wow, I didn't realise the last time I wrote in this blog was months ago.... I've been busy with lots of things... Izzah's accident and Myvi got crashed. Busy with the mission to bring Nuha home, then to send her back, then busy getting my proposal done (it's worth it though because Dr Tee commented positively) ... busy with practicum and moderating KPLI classes.. phew... the list could go on...

Will try to find time to write later......

My tribute to Hj Omar b Mamat

2011-01-09T06:48:00.000-08:00

I didn't know that this jovial man is an accomplished writer. I didn't know that he has written numerous novels and short stories. I didn't know that my children studied his short stories in school (Antologi Cerpen Anak Bumi Tercinta). I didn't know that he started his career a year before I was born.

There are so many things I didn't know about him. I took his presence as a colleague for granted. I learnt about his colourful life on his retirement day! I felt so pathetic towards myself but at the same time feeling lucky after reading his profile. I felt so pathetic for my ignorance and I felt lucky because I have worked under the same roof as this noble man (for only a year). However, I still blame myself for not being smart enough to learn about him.

I regret that many took him for granted, especially the big bosses in the college. He was not given the due respect, appreciation and recognition. I'm writing this with a heavy sigh..... People could be so mean and selfish. I guess, that is life... we can't have all, I supposed. Just be grateful and forgiving? Only when we see it fits!

Just say NO

2011-01-04T19:12:00.000-08:00

Some people have problem in saying No. Some others will not take No for an answer. Many people would wish to have been said Yes all the time to their requests..but in reality, we need to be meticulous before we give a positive answer or otherwise we will be bounded to the promise we have made for life! I have said NO many times in my life. Nevertheless, I've said YES twice or trice as much as I said NO in my life. Well of course on different situations, occasions and people.

When I was a teenager, I built a very thick and sturdy invisible wall around myself. No man could ever penetrate the wall. Not even the one who said he was not a quitter. Many came approaching in different ways. Some had almost made the invisible wall melted but I stood by my principle. Study came first. I set my priorities and obediently stood by them. I made sure I get my degree first before I made any commitments. I only sought for Allah's and parents' consent. So my invisible wall disappeared when my parents asked me to accept someone's proposal. Although I was pretty much unsure myself but one thing that I was absolutely sure was I had my parents' consent if I were to say YES. Still, I made sure the scroll is mine before I settled down.

So the guys out there who wish to knock my daughter's heart, please make sure you don't burden her with your charm for she has been advised to say NO until she is doing her houseman year. I assure you that you will not be able to penetrate her wall until her parents say YES. Beware and be aware that her answer remains NO until then.

Allah bless you my son

2011-01-04T18:19:00.000-08:00

Alhamdulillah.. grateful to Allah for blessing me with Afnan, my first son. His achievement in PMR really made me and my husband proud and thankful. I always have faith in him because he has been obedient and hardworking although he likes to nag which is very unlikely for a boy at his age.

I have never regretted conceiving and delivering him to this world. I had the chance to breastfeed him for only 6 months due to my hyperthyrodism and I needed to take medication. The Dr. did not allow me to breastfeed him since the medicine can affect his intelligence. Alhamdulillah, I am really glad and thankful that I followed the Dr's advice.

This year Afnan will enroll in the Military School or better known as RMC (Royal Military College). I had the opportunity to be around when he took his fitness test at the College in Sg Besi. He managed to complete the 2.4km run in 13:30 minutes. Still, he needs to do his trainings every evening to upgrade his stamina to prepare him for the physical activities in the College later. I pray that he will be able to survive in RMC and continue to succeed in his SPM so that his dream to become a doctor will materialise. I will surely miss him when he is away from home, but I know all of us need to be strong and firm to ensure his success in the future. May Allah bless you, my son.

Punching bag

2010-12-16T06:30:00.000-08:00

It's human nature! We seldom blame ourselves! Sometimes, it is not even anybody's fault but we just want to blame someone. That someone would become a punching bag. You don't have to punch anybody's physically of course but the words used are enough to become a bullet being fired at the bottom of a person's heart.

Jaydad's Lasagna

2010-12-14T05:54:00.000-08:00

Bahan Utama

Kepingan lagsana secukupnya

White sauce (resepi dibawah)Inti daging

(resepi dibawah)Parutan keju mozarella secukupnya

Parutan keju cheddar secukupnya

Inti daging

250g daging kisar

2 biji bawang besar didadu

3 ulas bawang putih

beberap helai daun selasih(basil leaf)(kalau takde blh guna bay leaf)

1teaspoon serbuk lada hitam

1 tin spaghetti sos

2 batang carrot(didadu)

1 biji capsicum(sukati nak hijau, kuning or merah)

2biji tomato(didadu)

2 biji cili hijau n merah

1tblespoon mixed herbs(kalau takde blh guna oregano & thyme kasar)

garam dan gula secukup rasa

2-3 tblespoon butter

daun parsley

Bahan White Sauce

2cwnl susu segar

3sb tepung gandum

1/2 st serbuk lada hitam

3sb mentega

sedikit mozarella cheese

Cara Membuat Inti Daging:

Panaskanbutter dalam kuali. Tumis bawang besar & putih hingga wangi.
Masukkan daun selasih, cili hijau & merah dan gaul rata.
Masukkan daging cincang serta mixed herbs dan masak hingga berubah warna.
Masukkan sos spaghetti.
Masukkan karot, capsicum & tomato& parsely, gaul rata.
Tambahkan garam dan gula secukup rasa, masak hingga kering tapi masih lembap.
Angkat dan sejukkan.

Cara Membuat White Sauce:

Masukkan mentega dalam periuk kecil dan cairkannya.
Masukkan tepung gandum dan kacau guna whisk hingga keputih-kuningan.
Masukkan susu segar dan kacau sebati.
Masukan secubit garam, gaul hingga bancuhan menjadi pekat. Angkat dan ketepikan.

Cara Penyediaan lasagna:

Panaskan air mendidih, campur 1st minyak masak dan celur kepingan lasagna hingga lembut, angkat dan letak atas dulang disapu sedikit minyak (bagi mengelakkan melekat).
Pada bekas lasagna, oles sedikit mentega dan alas dasarnya dengan kepingan lasagna.
Sudu dan ratakan initi daging, tabur sedikit parutan keju cheddar.
Alaskan lagi dengan kepingan lasagna dan sapukan white sauce.
Lapiskan lagi dengan kepingan lagsana dan ratakan dengan inti daging.
Buat hingga siap dan lapisan akhir diakhiri dengan baki inti daging dan ditabur keju mozarella. selalu akhiri dengan white sauce serta mozarella dan bukannya inti daging sebab nak bagi permukaan nampak keperangan bila masak)
Bakar dalam oven pada suhu 175 degrees celcius, 30-35 min. Boleh dihidang panas atau suam.....Selamat Mencuba

I did it my way by Frank Sinatra

2010-11-11T23:06:00.001-08:00

Costly

2010-11-11T19:56:00.000-08:00

Upon seeing him asking for more rice and topping it up with 2 slices of bread and then another slice, she asked him in a happy tone ... 'tasty?' He replied, "I'm just finishing the gravy". Fine! Her happy tone became flat "Owh". She consoled herself ... 'probably it is just too costly to compliment the chef '

The beginning of a journey beyond.

2010-11-10T19:23:00.000-08:00

Izzah's graduation. She is my sweet and adorable second daughter. We don't have a lot in common but I admire her guts. I pray that she would use her guts to fight for the best in her coming SPM.

In the USA Convocation is called commencement. It means the beginning. The beginning of journey of life after graduation. I pray that Izzah will carry her name well. Izzah means dignity and Farihah means happy. She'll be successful in her life with dignity and happiness. May Allah bless you always dear. I love you with all my heart and my whole life forever.

Long Rest

2010-11-07T04:57:00.000-08:00

How I longing to have a very very long rest ... I was at the verge of tears ... feeling so hopeless ... I am tired of pleasing everybody around me ... as if what I have done always not good enough. Can I request for a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong rest? I am just tired!

Government Servant

2010-11-04T18:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know how and where to begin. People keep on fighting over me. Yes, I know I am an asset but that doesn't mean I should be a victim of a 'tug of war'. The funny thing is, I am required to take the initiative in writing the letter to appeal for a transfer. As being advised by my other half, anyone who really wants me badly, that person needs to fight over me. That person needs to write the letter requesting me to work under the so called department, not ME!. Why should I write?? I did not complain for I know I am in no position to demand for anything.

I am new to the institution. As a government servant, I follow orders given by my superiors. I can contribute my expertise to any department who came to me and asked for my help. I have never said no before so long it doesn't involve personal interest.

My current immediate boss has been very nice to me all this while. I don't have the heart to tell him that I want to leave the unit. He has agreed to let me teach my favourite subject for 6 hours next semester. What else do I want? He has been fair and I am truly blessed. So, my stand is, I will stay in my unit until the director orders me to transfer to the other department. I won't write the letter. Don't pressure me! Nobody has the right to force me to write the letter! Period!
I thank Allah for giving me the best career consultant for me to turn to -- My Other Half! :)

"Saya yang menurut perintah" GOT it?

PadaMu ku bersujud

2010-11-04T18:33:00.001-07:00

Carrot Rice

2010-10-28T20:07:00.000-07:00

I had a chance to taste carrot rice cooked by my colleague - Zabeha Hussin - this very morning. She is indeed a good cook. I wouldn't miss to beg for her recipe. I am sharing it here if you care to try it yourself.

Ingredients:
1 kg basmati rice - wash and strain
water ratio 1:1
4 carrots -grate
2 tbs condensed milk
1 cup evaporated milk
1/2 cup mint leaves juice
coriander leaves
lemon grass - pound once or twice
tomato -diced

** 5 green chilis - blend and strain
4 onions - blend and strain
8 garlics - blend and strain
1 inch ginger - blend and take the juice only

Method:
Boil water in the rice cooker.
*In another pot, heat some oil + ghee/planta. Saute cloves, cinnamon, cardamom, star anise and lemon grass. Then, add in ** until half brown.

Once the water in the rice cooker is boiled, add in *, salt, condensed milk, diced tomato. Then add in rice, grated carrot and stir well. When the rice is 75% cooked, add in evaporated milk, mint leaves juice and coriander leaves. Let the rice cook.

Serve the rice with fried/rendang chicken, Kurma beef and Air Asam.

Air Asam Zabeha

Blend onion, red chilli, cili padi, tomato, shrimp paste, salt and sugar.
Mix with slices of onions and tomatoes.

Eternal love

2010-10-27T23:24:00.000-07:00

I had a good chat with a colleague at my office this morning. She is an established poet whose picture was published in major newspapers every now and then. Besides, she had won four literary awards at national level. As she is in her forth year of doing PhD part time, I took the opportunity to get some insights from her. She told me to research on something which I am passionate about or else I will find it tiresome. Since she the passion in Malay Literature she studied all the short stories written by Dato Dr Anwar Ridhuan (Sasterawan Negara 2009).

Through her critical analysis she found out that none of the love short stories written by Dr Anwar has happy ending. Through research and interview she then concluded that Dr Anwar believes that happiness and eternal love is only for and from Allah. To him love for and from mankind would always end up with dissatisfaction and disaster. After listening to her explanation, I paused to think .... I began to develop my admiration towards the nobel writer, Dr Anwar. I've yet to read all his pieces and discover the beauty through his writings myself.

Being sensitive

2010-10-27T07:26:00.000-07:00

Sensitive, huh? Is it bad? It could be good. Depending on how you look at it... Being sensitive would help you to analyze and reflect on your thinking, your stand, your action ... etc. It helps you to realize who you are... what you have done ... what you should have done ... what you should not do.... It helps you to draw the line and not get carried away ...

Very well... I am very well aware of my status ...

I am very well aware that I should know my limitations ...

I am very well aware that I should be responsible for the things I have done ...

I am very well aware that I should not take things for granted ....
(and let others take me for granted? Oh well .. *sigh*)

I am very well aware that I should not depend on others ...

Being sensitive? Duh! As if anybody cares ...

CONCLUSIONS?

Awareness alone is not enough ... act on it!
Do not use what does not belong to you... SIMPLE! Daaaa!

Innovation

2010-10-26T22:57:00.000-07:00

We have innovation exhibition at the college where I am teaching today. I didn't have time to visit all booths but there were a couple of booths I visited displayed 'big book'. One is done for English language lesson and the other one is for special education kids.

The students in the first booth I visited were not able to tell me the angle of innovation they had done in developing the book whereas the students in the second booth were not able to tell the benefits of the innovation they would expect the children would experience as a result of the big book they 'innovated'. My answer to their inability to answer my questions was because they 'innovate' the big book without analysing the needs of the end users. They need to do needs analysis in order to come up with the solution to the existing problems among learners. On the other hand they came up with the 'innovation' just for the sake of doing it.

Designing instructions must be based on learning theory and instructional model and based on the needs of the learners.

Unconditional love

2010-10-19T18:26:00.000-07:00

If it is not meant to be then it is not meant to be... no question asked. Just be grateful for the world is only a pit stop and it is better aiming to live gracefully in the eternity.

Some are lucky... their love is mutual ..

they get to recharge or be recharged
they get to complement each other
they get to scratch each others back
they get to feel appreciated when they are together
they get to hear assuring words and feel assuring actions
they get to be persuaded every time they are sulking
they get to be pampered and treated with love and respect
they get to feel complete even if they are far from perfect
they get to accept each others shortcomings without complaints

while others ... often times their love is one-sided ... they give their all but they receive so little in return.... they don't complain because to them, their love is unconditional ...

they self-charge
they complement the other
they scratch the other
they show appreciation to the other
they give assuring words and do assuring actions
they self-heal and find happiness within themselves
they give their love, commitment and respect to the other
they accept the others' shortcomings with open hearts and minds
they feel incomplete whenever they are together
they feel their presence is taken for granted

Love should be unconditional, treated with respect, felt and heard. Love requires faith, trust, sincerity, tolerance, acceptance, loyalty as well as emotional and physical sacrifices. Love doesn't need to be showered with material wealth. It needs some understanding, considerations, compromise, touch and care. Love does not necessarily be mutual even though it hurts. Some times, we are in love and yet we feel lonely. Some other time, love is for you to let go and often times you just have to make some time hoping to let it grow.

What others thought of us are wishes that we hope they are true. But at times, they are just too good to be true.

Wallahua'lam

For the rest of my life.......

2010-10-17T06:48:00.000-07:00

I'm just wishing that the song is dedicated to me...
Am I asking too much?

Liability

2010-10-16T06:29:00.000-07:00

Ever since I could remember, I have always received compliments and comments from friends, students and strangers with regard to my youthful look. Frankly speaking, I don't enjoy it. If given a choice I would prefer to look my age ...

Why???

So that I would receive the due respect I should get
So that I wouldn't be bypassed for bigger responsibilities and promotion
So that people would listen to my voice and views

There were quite a number of incidences in my career to relate to my point. Here are the major ones:

I failed to get APC in 2000 (my colleagues made a fuss when I did not receive the due credit since they observed my working culture - the administrator thought I was too young to get it although I have served longer than those who received it then)
I was bypassed for promotions (Head of Department as well as Senior Assistant of Student Affairs)
I was bypassed to get the APC for many years after that until the senior assistant realised that I was the last two candidates who helped to start the school hadn't received the APC.
I was treated as a 'kid' when I move to a new work place.

Sometimes I felt insulted when people made extreme comments. Here are the instances.

A counselor who posted to the school where I taught thought I was a fresh graduate when I have served the school for more than 10 years.
A salesman told me that I must have married when I was 15 when he saw my second daughter who was 16 then.
A fellow course participant thought I was in my 20's with an IQ of 40's when I am actually in my 40's!!! (Grr...)
etc

See, how people see me has become a liability rather than a mere lucky?

Well, despite all the comments I have written above, I know I should be grateful to Allah the Almighty for giving me every thing that I have today.

Alhamdulillah
Alhamdulillah
Alhamdulillah

My graduation

2010-09-22T00:53:00.000-07:00

This entry has long been overdue... but I want to write about it anyway...
My graduation! It was a sweet moment for me since it was my first experience to receive a scroll from a royalty. I did not go through the same experience after the completion of my first degree in the States since I came back to Malaysia before my commencement was held.

Alhamdulillah, all the hard work has paid off. I am a grateful mother and wife for I have accomplished my master at the age of 42 (late bloomer, huh?) I owe a lot to my family for being there for me through thick and thin especially to my dear soul mate for being there for me when I need to engage myself in an intellectual discourse. My family is the pillar of my strength. I am really grateful to Allah for all the blessing I received.

Below is the acknowledgment I have written in my research report:

The intellectual journey I have gone through in completing this study was a remarkable process of endless thinking and questioning. Therefore, my gratitude is to everyone mentioned below.

I am truly grateful especially to ‘Allah’ who had and would never tire listening and answering to my prayers. My heartiest gratitude is forwarded to all my lecturers who have opened the door to the exploration of boundless knowledge throughout my academic years in University of Malaya. Exceptional gratitude is extended to my supervisor, Prof. Raja Maznah Raja Hussain for her presence, guidance, patience, encouragements and wisdom which had brought to my interest and enthusiasm in trying to make a difference in helping teachers to enhance their personal development through the use of technology.

My thanks are also extended to my supportive course mates in the M.I.T. programme who have always willing to share ideas and shed my doubts when I needed them most. To all the participants, thank you for joining the forum.

Ultimately, my priceless appreciation goes to my beloved family for being there for me during thick and thin, especially when I was experiencing emotional turbulence in trying to conquer the victory in completing my study. Thank you to my husband, for his unconditional love, understanding, ideas, patience and material as well as moral support. Thank you to all my five children, for behaving well throughout these years and thank you to my parents, for never cease to wanting the best for their daughter.

Aiming high

2010-09-12T01:31:00.000-07:00

I haven't written for quite some time although I have a lot to write and share.... I have long wanted to write about my admiration towards the traffic police whom I encounter every time I go to work. I wanted to write about my gratefulness when my other half is back from Gaza. I wanted to write about my experience studying and working in the States. I wanted to write about how I feel toward the classes I am teaching. I wanted to share how frustrated I am when my website is gone due to the breakdown of the web host server. I wanted to share my Raya preparation and write about my worries about my children's well being if I am no longer around to celebrate Raya. ... The list could go on .. I just don't have the time to sit and write. I need to write my PhD proposal when I myself am not sure of the scope I would want to focus on... I am worried about the fund .. 3K ++ per semester ... yes ... I always want to aim for the highest and I am still moving forward .... May Allah make it easy for me to realise my dream of getting the initial PhD at the back of my name.

If only I know ....

2010-08-22T23:38:00.000-07:00

Tanzil : Quran Navigator

2010-08-18T20:06:00.000-07:00

Tanzil : Quran Navigator

My prayer for you

2010-08-01T18:41:00.000-07:00

I learnt about this mission to Gaza when I read on a friend's post of his FB wall about his uncertainty whether or not to join the mission. I paused after reading it. I did not give any comment for I had to think whether or not to encourage him or to ask him to think 1000 times before making any decision. Since I could not decide myself I postponed my intention to comment on his post. I let it go without thinking about it again until a week later my husband received 3 guests (his college friends) one evening.

I got home from work that evening and saw 2 cars parked at the porch. I entered the house from the kitchen door to avoid the guests (YB Zul and 2 more friends) who were sitting by the fish pond. Once they left the house my other half told me that his friends invited him to join a mission to Gaza. I paused and thought hard. Should I say yes or no? Should I let him go or should I discourage him from going? Then I asked him ' Is this mission a jihad?' He quickly responded 'Yes'. Then it dawned on me ... who am I to say no if my other half would want to be a part of this mission of jihad? So, I told him, 'If it is a jihad, then GO! You have my full support and prayers'.

I believe in fate. I believe that life and death is for Allah to decide. I know it would be dangerous to go to Gaza and I know it is going to be hard there. It was not easy for me to say 'yes' to him.. there are a lot of 'IFs' to answer. For Allah's sake but one thing for sure... my prayer would always be with him. I vow to become the pillar of his strength. After all, I am his other half.

Staying Positive

2010-07-20T05:51:00.000-07:00

Last week I learnt that I wouldn't be able to teach English language anymore.

My feelings?
I was down.. really down. What do you expect? That's my bread and butter. I've been teaching the language for 20 years and suddenly I was denied from teaching it.

My reactions?
Well I talked to my colleagues (from my unit, from ELD and from IPBA) to voice out my worries. Then at home I talked to my other half. The next day I talked to the Head of the English language Department (she was the one who talked to me first actually). Then I talked to my immediate boss at my unit.

The advices / comments I received?
Every one else including my other half advised me to stay at my unit. Only the head of ELD insisted that I should appeal to the director so that I could transfer to her department. But after giving much thought and analysing the way she defended herself in front of the Deputy Director, I knew if I were blamed for appealing, she would not come to my defense. On the other hand, one thing for sure, my immediate boss will find all means to make me stay in his unit and he will definitely come to my defense. My immediate boss warned me against appealing to the Director or I will be victimized by the system.

My decision?
I am staying in my unit and am trying to be positive and stay positive. I know that I should explore and learn something new so that my life won't be mundane and boring. I am ready to take up the challenge. Why not?

I am really thankful that my other half is always there to support me. Love you dear.

Lailahaillallah by Samy Yusuf

2010-07-05T18:47:00.000-07:00

Inspirational quote

2010-07-05T08:01:00.001-07:00

Maher Zain - Insyaallah

2010-07-04T07:24:00.001-07:00

Love this song so much.

Insya Allah-Maher Zain

Everytime you feel like you cannot go on
You feel so lost
That you're so alone
All you see is night
And darkness all around
You feel so helpless
You can`t see which way to go
Don`t despair and never lose hope
Cause Allah is always by your side

Insya Allah3x
Insya Allah you`ll find your way

Everytime you can make one more mistake
You feel you can`t repent
And that its way too late
You`re so confused,wrong decisions you have made
Haunt your mind and your heart is full of shame

Don`t despair and never lose hope
Cause Allah is always by your side
Insya Allah3x
Insya Allah you`ll find your way
Insya Allah3x
Insya Allah you`ll find your way

Turn to Allah
He`s never far away
Put your trust in Him
Raise your hands and pray
OOO Ya Allah
Guide my steps don`t let me go astray
You`re the only one that showed me the way,
Showed me the way 2x
Insya Allah3x
Insya Allah we`ll find the way

If

2010-07-03T08:44:00.000-07:00

There are so many things in our lives that we are not sure of. I am making generalization here without any supporting facts ... well common sense I guess. I'll just confine my thinking and this common sense to myself then. Sometimes I just couldn't help myself from thinking ... the answers to all the ifs that linger in my head.

If only....
Only if...
What if...

would the scenario be the same ...
would my life be different...
would I experience the same thing.. or different thing...
would be worse...
would it be better...
would I feel complete....
would I feel inadequate....
would I be happy ... or happier ...
would I be depressed....
would I be the same ... or different....
would I look the same ... or different ...

The unanswered questions and the uncertainties remain ...

If ...
If only ....
Only if ...
What if ...

The black stone from paradise

2010-06-25T04:53:00.001-07:00

Being chosen as the guest of honour of Allah is blissful. My humble gratefulness to the Almighty for enabling me to step foot on Masjidilharam in the holy city of Makkah.

The journey from Madinah started after we had done our zohor prayer and taken our lunch. The bus took around 8 hours to reach Makkah. We stopped by at Bir Ali Mosque in Zulhulaifa to set our intention for Umrah and prayed solat sunat ihram.

We reached Makkah at about 9pm. We had our dinner and checked into our rooms. By 11pm we gathered at the hotel lobby to perform our umrah together. We completed the umrah around 3a.m. We took quite a long time since we had to wait for others who were first timers. Besides, the crowd was huge at these hours since the weather was cooler during subuh. We walked back to the hotel and returned to Masjidilharam around 4a.m. for subuh prayer. We did another umrah in the evening on the same day. We went to Tanaim around 6pm. and started to tawaf before maghrib. This time around we completed our umrah at about 10.30pm.
We thought of having a day off on the following day but after learning that we were going to have our miqat from Jaaranah enticed us to perform another umrah. Alhamdulillah, we started our umrah after zohor. The tawaf and saie were easy since there were not so many people when the weather was hot.

The following morning I told my sisters that I was going to perform tawaf sunat and solat sunat at hijr Ismail. If possible I would try to kiss the hajar aswad. Around 7.30a.m. we headed to masjidilharam. Alhamdulillah everything went smoothly. My sisters and I were able to kiss the black stone. First I let my sister made her attempt. Once she was done I helped to pull her hand so that she was able to free herself from the crowd. Then, I told my sister to go straight to hijr Ismail while I made my attempt to kiss the stone. Unfortunately I found myself being pushed farther away. So I decided to do my prayer in Hijr Ismail first before I proceed with my second attempt. Alhamdulillah I succeeded.

If you wish to kiss the stone, make sure you are free from ihram first. It is best if you could do it after you have performed tawaf sunnah. When you have completed your last lap of tawaf, you have to get yourself closer to Multazam (between hajar aswad and the door of kaabah). While standing, say your prayers. Then, get yourself closest possible to the door of kaabah and move yourself to the left with the crowd of the ladies. Make sure you are able to penetrate the crowd until you stand right infront next to kaabah. Hold tight to the stone where the guard is standing observing the pilgrims. Chant "Rabbi yassir wa laa tu 'assir Rabbi tanmim bil khair" many times as you move closer to hajar aswad. Keep holding tight to the stone even though you feel that you have been nudged, pushed, pulled or brushed. You will finally find yourself closest to hajar aswad and able to kiss the stone. Once your mission is accomplished, move away from the crowd by turning right. Do not go back to the same way you walked in. Raise one hand high up and yell "khuruj". You will find some ladies will pull your hand and help you to get out of the crowd. So remember to move in from the door of kaabah to the left and move out from the centre of the crowd in between the ladies and the men. If you feel that you are not confident during your first attempt and you kept on being pushed away farther from the stone, retreat and pray that Allah will guide you through. Then, repeat the same strategy and move in again from the door of kaabah. Insyaallah your prayers will be answered. Once you are able to kiss hajar aswad, you will feel that you just won a battle and the victory is yours.

You will find there will be around 3-4 indonesian ladies offering to help you kiss the stone. If you accept their offer, don't be surprised that they will demand some sort of a payment. To me, it is about you... about me as an individual to struggle for myself and to be able to fight for my right and grab the opportunity laid right in front of me without being dependent on others.

Nevertheless you have to bear in mind that the act of kissing hajar aswad is only sunnah. If the condition around you does not allow you to do it (the crowd was too violent for you to handle) or you yourself are not strong enough physically, then abort the mission. You will endanger yourself.

I can't and will not stop saying Alhamdulillah ... Alhamdulillah... Alhamdulillah. Allah is Great!

Roudhoh - the garden of paradise

2010-06-24T07:29:00.000-07:00

My trip to Madinatul Munawwarah this time was a very short one - 2 and a half days only... the hotel is the farthest I have been living in throughout my trips so far. We stayed at Mawaddah AnNoor Hotel which is located at the far east of Masjid Nabawi AsSharif. Everytime I visited and prayed at the mosque I will never miss going to visit Rasulullah (may peace be upon him) and Roudhoh- the garden of paradise except during my visit in 2006 with the whole family because I had my mensus throughout my stay in Madinah.
Roudhoh is located between Rasulullah's (saw) house and his mimbar. I believe that the area of Roudhoh allocated for the men is more spacious as compared to the area for the ladies... So we ladies have to struggle every time we would want to visit and pray in Roudhoh.
Roudhoh for ladies is only between the two while beautiful poles. The colour of the carpet in Roudhoh is greenish white with small prints as compared to red used in the rest of the area in the mosque.

Besides Roudhoh, we also will not let go the opportunity to visit Rasulullah (saw) and to convey all the salams given by others from our homeland. You will find that your heart is so close to Rasulullah (saw)... tears will be streaming down voluntarily. Once you get this precious opportunity, don't forget to ask from Allah that you will be one of those who will receive 'shafaah' from Rasulullah (saw).

The mosque used to open up door no 22 (if I got it right) to ladies 2 times a day...after subuh and zohor. Door no 22 is meant for the men but ladies were allowed to go in from that door to visit Roudhoh and Maqam Rasulullah (saw) during the allocated time. If we go in from door 22, we will be able to see the green dome from outside. Under this dome is where the body of our beloved Rasulullah (saw) is placed to rest.

Well, that was then. During my recent visit, we could not do that anymore... at present, ladies could only enter Roudhoh from the inside .... meaning, we have to enter from door 25 (door Uthman ibn Affan) - ladies praying area and wait for the guards to pull out some sort of signboard which carries name of the country or language that you belong too. In my case, I have to look for a signboard which says "Bahasa Melayu" ... I guess that would include people from Malaysia, Indonesia, Singapore, Brunei, Thailand and the like. We will have to sit obediently among our groups and wait for our turn until the guard let us get up and walk towards Roudhoh. There will be one or two more pit stops for us to wait inside before we are allowed to struggle for a space to pray in Roudhoh. When the opening is made from the inside, normally, the guard will let the ladies from the Arab countries to go in first, then Egypt, Turkey, etc. The last will be the group of Bahasa Melayu. The main reason why they separated the groups is to avoid commotion and injury... our small frame is too fragile as compared to those from the Arab regions.

But why they put us last? I wonder... Why they put us as the last group to enter. We are the most obedient group. We sat when they asked us to sit. We waited when they instructed us to wait. We walked quietly when they led us inside.... we would normally pray 2 rakaahs and move away from out praying spot to allow others to have their turns ... Why can't we be the first group since we would not take long. We are not the extremists... crying, kissing and wiping the poles. If we were given the first turn, I bet nobody from our group will over stay or nudge or push others aside. I guess I got my answer... well it is just my personal opinion ....I think it is all due to Arab superiority. The Arabs think that they are superior as compared to other muslims especially as compared to us the Malaysians.... if they did not feel that way, they would give way to us - petite ladies from South East Asia. Well I just have to accept the situation with an open heart and mind since I know Allah knows best. It is a part and parcel of life that I have just to live by it.

If anyone really wants to visit Roudhoh and Rasulullah (saw), you have to sacrifice in skipping your breakfast, or lunch or dinner. You have to be at the waiting area immediately after those 3 prayers: subuh, zohor and isya' or otherwise you will miss the visit. I tell you.. it is not easy... the journey and the waiting test your physical and mental ability, your determination and your patience. The waiting could be very long... you will feel thirsty, hungry and sleepy... but you have to take charge, persevere and steadfast. Many would just walk away even though they have walked inside. Once you get the opportunity to go to Roudhoh make sure you bring yourself to the first saf. The guards will tell you to pray at the back and at the side and they will insist that it is Roudhoh. But... after the waiting... don't you want to give yourself the best reward? Just brisk yourself to the first saf right in front... wait for your turn. You might want to gently tap on the ladies's heads or shoulders if you see that they purposely prolong their prayers. You could also say "Yallah, hajjah.. bi sur'ah - solat ya hajjah' to indicate to them that there are more people waiting for their turn. Once you got your turn .. pray solat taubat or hajat or mutlak and ask for Allah's forgiveness. Then let others take your place so that they could also get a chance to pray.

Roudhoh is indeed beautiful... you will be mesmerised! It was worth all the waiting, the hunger, the tiredness and all the trouble faced. You will walk away with satisfaction, gratefulness and humbleness. Allah is GREAT!! ALLAHUAKBAR!!!

Roof tops

2010-06-23T07:13:00.000-07:00

Roof tops of the buildings in Cairo. The pictures were taken from the 13th floor of the hotel I stayed...Cairo Khan hotel which is located at 26th July Street, Cairo. I was really touched looking at the condition of the houses on most of the rooftops of the buildings in Cairo City. I wonder how the houses would look from the inside.. no air conditioner to stand the heat from summer and no heater to stand the coldness of winter....
Who lives there?
What do they do for living?
What about their children? How do they go to school?
The questions remain unanswered.....

Imagine if we have the same situation in Kuala Lumpur. Squatter houses on top of the skyscrapers in KL? Aren't we grateful?

Pharoah's tomb

2010-06-23T06:12:00.000-07:00

I was pretty excited to see the pyramids for real. It is the second wonders of the world that I've visited (the first was the great wall of china). As my husband told me, once I have visited the pyramids, my journey to Egypt is considered complete... well yes I agree ...

There were 40 of us travelling with Tiram Tours. As we stepped out of the bus, a guy approached the group to offer some group photo at 25 egyption pound. I have no problem taking pictures but I will not buy the photo... the same situation I experienced at The Great Wall of China. I see no point of buying the picture as I have mine in my hand phone camera.

Then, while I was taking pictures with my children, Izzah and Afnan, two egyptian guys approached me. One of the guys gave me a piece of cloth with soft igal. "It is for you. It's free" he said. I refused to take it because I am very well aware that nothing is free but he put it in my hand. Then, he dragged Afnan farther away from the crowd which forced us to follow. I told him to stop 3 times. I told Izzah that I didn't like it and something fishy is going on. He finally stopped at one point and asked us to pose. He took our picture with Izzah's camera and insisted for some money for his effort. I told him too bad that I didn't ask for his help in the first place. He came close to Afnan and insisted that Afnan give him something..Malaysian note, bag, souvenirs...anything. I was mad and dragged my children back to the crowd. I told them to call my sister's husband hoping those two guys would walk away...and Alhamdulillah... he did as my brother in law approached us after he snatched the thing that he gave me for free in the beginning (funny!..) . Ironically, my brother in law got the same experience..his kopiah was snatched and not returned since he refused to give him something. Then, another friend related the same experience when his camera was being brought away but he was able to snatch it back from the Egyptian's hand. We can't help giggling thinking back the incidents and we concluded that the place is indeed haunted by the evil of the Pharaoh.

Without Me

2010-06-07T00:48:00.000-07:00

I am going away for 2 weeks... but I am thinking what if I am going away for good.... would my absence make a difference? I just watched 'P.S. I Love You' on Astro and wonder how would life be without me being around my loved ones. Yup, my loved ones = the ones I loved. And the feelings are not necessarily mutual. So I guess they would be okay without me. They just need little time to get used to it... Therefore, without me nothing much would change ... the house could still be maintained. The kids could still take up the course they would want to excel in after SPM. Besides, my spouse is a better cook than I am ... so, I don't really have to worry much, right? After all he deserves a better wife. Someone tall whom he loves because he falls in love with her. I am convinced that life would go on just the same even without me.... Thank you for all the good memories and care. I would cherish forever.

Please forgive me for writing all these but I did not mean to hurt anybody with my writings. It is just my way of letting what has been cooped up inside me when the melancholic mode strikes every month. Well, never in my life I take things for granted. Having been given a verdict by a doctor that I may not live to see my kids grow up 8 years ago have taught me to appreciate life and people. I accept people's behaviour and attitude without conditions. I would let them do what they like best as long as they did not bring harm to themselves or to others. I would kiss and hug those whom I love dearly because I have always thought what if there would be no tomorrow for me ... what if that would be my last hug or kiss? *sigh* .... although sometimes I wish ...... they would hug and kiss me first. *smile and teary*

Guest of Honour

2010-06-05T21:46:00.001-07:00

Alhamdulillah ... Alhamdulillah... Alhamdulillah... May Allah guide me and the whole group I am travelling with to his blessings and maghfirah.

Victimized

2010-05-27T18:04:00.000-07:00

My colleague was right when she asked me to decide which unit or department I would want to serve in the following semester since I am serving both extra curricular unit (ECU) and English language department. She had gone through the same experience before - serving both ICT and English language Departments. I've been victimized quite a number of times.

First, I was appointed as the coordinator for a subject I am teaching by the department I am helping. As I was willing to learn, I accepted the appointment without question. Little did I know I was not supposed to accept the appointment since I am serving a different unit. As a new comer I found that very little coaching was extended to me or should I say NIL because what I got was merely a list of things to complete and submit as well as a few old samples given to me which I found have some errors and not up to the standard.

Second, I was called to attend meetings held by the ELD without them informing the Head of the unit I am serving. One morning I went to the college next door to attend a meeting on EL Camp after receiving the letter from the Head of ELD. I was too ignorant at that time to realize that I needed to inform my immediate boss about my going. He called me that morning and gave me a surprised remark for not being informed. I had to apologize and I felt that I was being used again.

Third, forth, fifth and sixth are trivial things which had made me started to feel annoyed. They are not worth to be conveyed here.

Recently is about the MBI course. The last 2 phases will be combined to 1 phase only. Therefore, instead of 3 days a week for another 2 times, trainers and teachers will now have to go for one last phase for 5 days. I have no problem being involved in the training since it is held near my residence. But the time given to me this time is on the first week when the institution reopens after the holidays. My immediate boss said that he would need my help the most on that first week since there would be meetings and coordinating of the extra curricular activities to handle. I tried to arrange for mutual exchange with the other colleagues. Apparently everybody would be busy on that first week. Once again I felt that I am being used as a scapegoat. I regret that the Head of ELD did not consult my immediate boss before she puts me in the schedule. A new comer like me would always be easily bullied...huhu...

Just the two of us

2010-05-24T20:48:00.000-07:00

How do we know whether he is the one?

2010-05-22T06:12:00.000-07:00

When I was my daughter's age (19), I used to think who would my Mr Right be? Coming from a strong religious back ground, befriending the opposite genders was not a norm for me although deep inside me I wanted to be loved and pampered. I used to think how do I know for sure whether the person who approached me was the right one for me to take him as a lifetime partner. I have never got the answer....

When I first went to the States (in Azusa), I was approached by A. I liked him as a friend because he was pious, able to recite the verses in the Quran beautifully and the bottom line is he showed me that he cared about me.... but I was too naive to fill the emptiness in his heart then. I have set my goal... that is to study and excel in my study... only if he was not too hasty in making me his special friend I might still be his friend. Why can't he tell me that we should build our friendship for the sake of Allah? I might respond to his letters and telephone calls. I did not give him hope right from the beginning because I was not sure whether he is the right one for me. I was too afraid I would break his heart as well as mine if the relationship did not work later. Ironically, I have broken his heart anyway when I did not respond to his letters. At that point of time I told myself if we were meant for each other Allah will lead us to each other one day. If not, probably there would be a better guy waiting for me and a better girl waiting for him....

When I moved to Turlock, another guy, W, approached me. He tried so many ways to win my heart. He tutored me Calculus and helped me with my Computer Programming assignment (He was paid by the University though). He wrote me a letter asking for my hands. He called begging me to say 'yes' almost every day. He asked an Arab guy (Saeed) whose wife (Ameena) was my good friend to be a mediator so that I would agree to his proposal. When I told him that I would consider a guy's proposal only if the guy asks for me through my parents, he approached Ustaz Mohd Akhir (an MSD officer) who happened to be my late father's friend to propose me on his behalf. Unfortunately, his persistence scared me and pushed me away from him. He kept telling me that he was not a quitter but one thing he did not do to win my heart was he did not show me that he cares about me. He didn't offer any help to carry our bags when we first arrived in Turlock. He made me go to his apartment to borrow a tennis racket when he could just send it to me if he is a gentleman. Unlike A. At least, A was a gentleman. A offered help if I have problems. A brought me and my housemates to Long Beach to make sure that we get halal chicken and treated us dinner at a Chinese Muslim restaurant. Three other minus points with W were he belonged to the Tabligh group (I was afraid that I would be left for 3 months every now and then later), he couldn't drive a car while I could (my Mr Right should be better than I was) and he was rather short physically (about my height- he wouldn't have the power to lift me I guess since I have always wanted my Mr Right to be tall and strong enough to lift me to bed).

At that time ... I wished I could marry an Ustaz graduated from Al Azhar. I wrote letters to my seniors who were studying in Al Azhar trying to get some ideas how the gender population was like among Malaysian students who were studying there but I did not get favourable information. I was too shy to ask them to recommend a Mr Right for me.

Then, during Summer holiday (first year) I decided to go back home for 2 months. There were 3 major reasons: I missed my family; my sister was getting engaged; and I wanted to run away from W and put my mind at peace. However, I got a shock out of my life when I was proposed by my mother's good friend on behalf of her nephew. I was 19 then, and I was proposed through my parents.... wasn't it too young for me to be engaged? What if I fall for someone else later? What if he was not my Mr Right, I thought to myself. Well , he met my first criteria - he proposed me through my parents. He met my second criteria as well - he was tall. But... he was not from Al Azhar, besides he was big (although size has never been set as the criteria for my Mr Right) Above all, I did not know him.. his character -so many unanswered questions: was he caring? was he romantic? was he loving? was he gentle? can he recite the Quran beautifully? can he accept me unconditionally? was he the right guy for me? ... from his picture I knew that he smoked! When I heard his voice over the phone when he called me from NZ, I did not quite like what I heard.... was he my Mr Right? I was really confused and indecisive at that time.

To be able to answer my questions I turned to Allah. I prayed Istikharah and Hajat almost every night to get the answer. It was a tough decision indeed. I kept telling myself ... that what ever decision I made was for real. Once I have said yes, I have to accept him and live with him for the rest of my life. I really felt it was a gamble and I am gambling with my future. How do I know if he is the one? Do I really know he is the one? To tell the truth the answer is 'NO'. I was never sure! My prayers was not answered in a form of dreams but the signs I received was more like the inclination I felt deep inside my heart. I told myself then that I have to be an obedient daughter and I must not embarrass my parents since the proposal came from a family friend (Well, that is me .. always wanting to please everybody except myself). Another sign was from the first letter I received from him expressing his thankfulness towards me for accepting him when I have not given my approval to accept the proposal to my parents. I finally said 'yes' to my parents. It was a tough decision but Alhamdulillah I have made my decision although I was not sure until now whether I have made the right one. I have probably met my Mr Right but I am grateful that I am blessed with 5 children now.... Alhamdulillah. We never know for sure what is best for us in the future ... keep praying and hoping as well as working for the best, to be the best, to get the best. Only Allah knows best.

Therefore my dear daughter, we don't really have to look for Mr Right. Insyaallah your Mr Right will come to your door and knock your heart.

Kirim salam

2010-05-20T08:03:00.000-07:00

Hehe... feel blessed indeed. I talked to my immediate boss regarding KJBI's intention to drag me into the ELD. My boss's immediate reaction was KIRIM SALLAM! I chuckled in my heart because I felt funny. It is a good feeling when you know your presence is appreciated in your work place.

I love him dearly ... with all my hearts.

2010-05-16T00:25:00.000-07:00

When you agree to marry a person, you must be ready to live with the same person for the rest of your life. You must agree to go through ups and downs, better or worse, thick and thin you would come across in your life, hand in hand .... together with the same pe rson. You must be willing to love him unconditionally without complaints or regrets.

When I said 'yes' to my mom in 1988, I know that my decision would be final. I have never regret in marrying him for I have faith in my parents' consent. I don't deny we experience some turbulence in our relationship. There were times when I felt so low as a result of his words, actions and attitude but I would always force myself to look at the strength and kindness and not the weaknesses.

I believe in one marriage for a lifetime. He would be my first and my last. My stand will last forever. He is the first and the last person I have given my hearts, my soul, my love, my dignity, my loyalty and my all. I'll make sure he is the luckiest spouse or at least he feels that way. I love him dearly. Nobody could replace him in my heart. NO ONE!

Have a speedy recovery dear. Till death do us part.

He loves me!

2010-05-12T02:02:00.000-07:00

I know my he loves me! He drove all the way from Shah Alam to Melaka for the sake of me! I had problem with my car yesterday. When I was reaching Ayer Keroh I noticed that the car could not go beyond 80km/per hour. I noticed that the temperature went up to 100. After paying the toll, I stopped since I needed to wait for the rest of the convoy (Hj Shaari and the Institute bus). When the car was stalled, I noticed the temperature went up again. I turned off the engine and wind down the screen. I called my husband and told him my worries. Since the car could still be driven, I drove off until I reached the camp site. Unfortunately, I could not drive the car uphill to the chalet. The engine stops in the middle of the hill which forced me to reverse it. I made several attempts but still the car refused to climb the hill. So, I decided to park the car in front of the cafe and we walked up hill. Luckily a student brought his car and I got a lift.

At around 9a.m this morning I felt so blessed and grateful that my husband came to replace my car with his precious car. He could have brought Hilux instead of his Merc. I felt so touched. Deep inside I know he loves me! He cares about me! Thank you dear. I feel truly blessed.

Irony

2010-05-08T06:31:00.000-07:00

We can choose to see things from one angle or many angles. We can choose to see strengths or weakness. We could choose to see from the positive side and we could also refuse to see from the positive side. *sigh*. We could also choose to keep quiet to make others happy. We could also choose to appreciate others to make them feel loved.

When we think positively, we will give positive vibes to others. We will say words that are soothing to the ears and we would not dare to hurt others especially to your friends and relatives.

However, when we think negatively, we will utter negative comments that could hurt others' feelings. Sometimes we don't realize what we say give a huge negative impact on others' feelings because we thought we are always right and we are always better than the rest. Sometimes the comments that we made results in emotional depression to others.

Well, we could choose to be positive or negative! We could choose to be humble or boastful. We could choose to accept or reject friendship. The choice is in our hands. We decide! We make the decision! But...we could choose to love but can we choose to be loved? We could choose to respect but can we choose to be respected? We could choose to appreciate others but can we choose to be appreciated? Do we need to earn love, respect and appreciation in order to receive them??

When we are praised by others we hope to share the excitement and happiness and hope to receive the same appraisal. However, when unfavourable remarks are received, after some time we tend not to share anymore because we knew we will not get the confirmation we are seeking for. Instead, we would always feel inadequate.. Irony! Some people are good at making others feel inadequate and some people are good at making others feel otherwise.

Sometimes we wonder ... why??? We know our rank and we are very well aware of our status but that doesn't mean we have no say, right? Some times we thought we have every thing and some other times we realize that we have nothing ... and we wish we have something. At least some thing...

Should I stay?

2010-05-03T06:44:00.000-07:00

I like my new work place. It opens the door to the exploration of knowledge. I have no complaint serving the Kokurikulum Unit so far although I am not a certified co-curriculum coach. My boss is pleasant and my colleagues in the unit are helpful. However, serving the English language department (ELD) left me with a lot of question marks. I am lucky that I am serving the ELD as visiting lecturer from other department so that I am not responsible to the head of the ELD.

Now, what bothers me is ...should I stay in the co-curriculum unit where I have no expertise to offer or should I appeal to work in the ELD where I could utilise my expertise and be good at it when I have to teach it.

I know I am capable of working anywhere the director put me. I can even work at IT department another area of my expertise. Punithavathy, a colleague at the co-curriculum unit gave me her piece of mind. She said, it was true that I could work in any department but the bottom line is in which department I would be happy the most? Well, she got an idea there. I am happy in my unit now but the thought of the probability of not able to teach English language makes me become uncertain.

Should I stay in the co-curriculum unit and leave my kind boss and understanding colleagues or should I move to ELD and work for the not-so-wise lady boss? Probably I would just cross the bridge when I come to it and follow my instinct.

Signs

2010-04-17T07:51:00.000-07:00

Generally I do believe there are signs for everything. For instance, if you are sleepy you will be yawning. The act of yawning is a sign of being sleepy... the act of yawning could also be a sign of tiredness, resulting the body to signal the brain to stimulate the act of yawning.. does it make sense?

Let us explore deeper the signs of laziness. What are the characteristics in a person who is lazy? Likes to procrastinate; takes a long time to complete simple tasks; refuse to help others; messy; smelly; untidy etc.

What about signs of respect? When you respect a person, you look at her when she is talking. You will be polite towards her. You will try to make sure that she is comfortable. You will not make things harder for her. You will take her ideas and voice out your disagreement in a very subtle manner.

Recently a colleague asked - How do you tell if a person loves you? and how do you tell whether you love a person? What would the sign be? What would a person do if he loves you? Wouldn't he show that he cares about you? Wouldn't he make sure that you are safe and comfortable? Wouldn't he accept you without any conditions? Wouldn't he do anything to please you? Wouldn't he do all the things you like? Wouldn't he hug and kiss you (if you are married to him of course)? Wouldn't he take your hands and wrap his arm around your shoulders passionately? Would a person who love you scold you or nudge you when you try to peck his cheeks? Wouldn't he be there for you during your happy and hard times? Wouldn't he show that he enjoys your presence?

"What do all the signs listed tell you if they are otherwise?", she asked. Well, I told her, these are not the only signs of love. "What else then?", she said eagerly. I asked her the following questions:
Did he provide all the necessity for the household?
Did he care for your well being?
Did he give you all the support you need?
Did he buy you the things you like?
Did he ever tell you that he loves you?
She answered yes! Wouldn't that be enough?
If the answers are Yes then that would be considered the signs... "Signs of what? Responsibility! That is not the signs of love!" she emphasized. "Did he make your life miserable?" I asked her again and No was her answer.
She kept on telling me that she is still unsure of his feelings towards her since he has never shown any passion towards her. "He has never told me he misses me when he is away! What is that signaling you?" she protested. She feels that her presence is only for convenience and she always feels not appreciated... well, I wonder how to soothe her... only Allah has the answer... I guess .. since I was not able to convince her, I told her just to be grateful because it could have been worse. Just be grateful, and grateful and grateful. As long as he is good to you, be good to him. Just look at the good and positive signs and ignore the negatives. After all happiness comes from within. We should be able to choose what we want to look for and focus on. We should choose to look at all the good signs.

Blaming PMS?

2010-04-14T06:35:00.000-07:00

Women would always make PMS as their excuses when emotional turbulence strikes. Is it due to hormonal changes that I am experiencing making me prone to this melancholic feelings? There is a strong base for the blame of course.

Most of the times, I was not touched by the remark or gestures made .... but when the turbulence sways it my way .... the same remark and gestures become a BIG DEAL. I am used to be told off and won't be poignant ... hmmm.... age is catching up I guess... As I grow older I become more sensitive towards the way people talk to me.

I am very good of hiding how I felt inside me... since most of the time I would just ignore the feeling and let it disappear.... Yes, I used to do that and I am still doing it ... for entertaining the feelings will make me a weak individual. I cannot be weak for the sake of my children. They are still growing up ... and they need my love, care and support.

However, I have to admit that I need to be recharged physically, emotionally and spiritually. Most of the times I do self-recharging ... but at times I need others to help me recharge.

I strongly believe that happiness comes from within. Stay positive! I should not depend on others to make me happy. I am very well aware that I have to take charge and be in control of my emotion. I am bottling it all inside and I am going to throw it away in the sea. I won't falter... No! I definitely won't.

Changes

2010-04-03T05:48:00.000-07:00

Changes happen in a lot of ways through the many stages in our lives. From being single to being married and then becoming a mother. From being a student to becoming a teacher and then a lecturer. Yup, when changes happen we always hope that the changes are for the better. The changes should improve the quality of our lives.

When my daughter told me that she wants to make changes in the way she covers he hair, I said, Alhamdulillah, prayers to Allah... I am really grateful ya Allah.. My first daughter has decided to make changes in her life to improve herself, to become a better muslimah. I am really proud of her... May Allah give her strength and steadfast in the changes made. I am glad that my husband shares the same thought with me and we support Nuha's decision.

I will never stop saying Alhamdulillah for I am really grateful with the blessings I received from Allah.. Alhamdulillah..

She blew it up again!

2010-02-23T06:29:00.000-08:00

Will she ever learn? She was given some freedom and all her wishes were fulfilled except when she defied certain conditions then her privilege was taken away.

After all the conditions stated and terms explained, she blew it again! Will she ever stop telling lies? I've reminded her again and again to think of the consequences before she attempt to do ANYTHING but the reminder was not registered in her mind.

Now, her privilege is taken away from her. No more motorbike! All her tuition classes will be scheduled at night!

Big Headed???

2010-02-22T18:32:00.000-08:00

How do you define big headed?
Someone who demands things rudely?
Someone who acts like a boss?
Someone who has changed from humble to arrogant?

Could you label a person big headed if she is telling the truth?
Could you label a person big headed if she is defending her actions?

The gap is wider

2010-01-31T02:47:00.000-08:00

Lonesome...this feeling always crops up when I am having my menses. I feel that there is a gap inside me...and the gap is getting wider. I've been trying to reflect to find the causes...but the answer seems nowhere to be found.

I've been telling what I like but no effort is done to please me ... on the contrary it has always been me to have to please ...

Why must I be afraid to voice out what I want? Why must I be afraid of getting scolded? Why am I too fragile emotionally? Why can't I be firm and determined to do what I like? Don't I deserve to be allowed to hang out with friends? Why didn't I try to voice out what I want? Why must I bear the boredom?

People are giving me attention. Not that I don't like but I am afraid to enjoy the attention given.

Tough times

2010-01-24T05:24:00.000-08:00

I feel sorry to my MIL for refusing to accept others unconditionally. Things could be a lot easier for her if she learns to be grateful and to utter less complaints... At her age, 78, she should have loads of wisdom to be shared with her children and grand children. All her children and children in law tried their best to accommodate her needs, commands and desires....but nothing could satisfy her. To me the principle of gaining happiness in life is the ability to see things from positive angles. Always think positively...then we will be able to find inner peace... We need to learn to tolerate with others and accept the fact that all human beings are unique individuals. If we choose to be a difficult person and difficult to get along with, then we will suffer emotionally.

I am perplexed indeed. I do not know what more she wants when she has almost everything. Why must she complain and complain and complain....can't she learn to say Alhamdulillah? May Allah forgive me for letting this out...

May Allah forgive her and her children....

Mama, where is my baju Melayu?

2010-01-23T05:45:00.000-08:00

I met Haniza, Norriha and Tn Hj Fauzy when I attended a PTA AGM this morning. For the sake of his daughter, Tn Hj Fauzy attended the meeting and as usual he voiced out his opinions that parents should contribute more money to the school for academic programmes since the benefits will be savoured by our children. Despite the loss of his beloved wife, Kak Mas, Tn Hj Fauzy managed to pull his strength to be present at the meeting.

Before leaving the school, Norriha, Haniza and I greeted him. He shared with us how he and the children missed his wife so much... He shared with us how his son, Zayani, who joined the navy wept uncontrollably one night when they were having 'tahlil' for the late Kak Mas... Mr Fauzy asked Zayani to put on 'baju Melayu' for the tahlil instead of wearing a t-shirt. Zayani responded positively and ran from room to room calling "Mama, where is my baju Melayu?' until he finally realised that his mama had already gone for good... I just could not hold my tears...Norriha was worse...

Sometimes, we do not realise how important a person is to us until we lost them for good....

Keep on learning

2010-01-09T00:53:00.001-08:00

The first meeting for the institution I'm working in right now was held on 31st December 2009...It was a loooooong meeting. I don't intend to comment further on how the meeting was handled but I would want to highlight how I was surprised when the director announced that I was returned to the kokurikulum unit. I was quite upset at first since I thought I would leave the English language unit for good. Mr Rohimi, a colleague from the koko unit asked how I felt about it. I told him 'I am moving back to koko unit with a heavy heart'.

Then, during break I went to see Dr Rashidah Begum, the head of the English language unit (ELU) hoping to hear soothing words from her. I was again surprised when she introduced me to Dr Ranjit Kaur who is replacing me in ELU (when apparently she was not - she had been in JTP(jabatan teknologi pendidikan) for 12 years before she moves to ELU. Besides, two DG52 EL lecturers transfered to other IPGM). Later, she told me to vacant my cubicle and make way for Dr Ranjit to move in (when as a matter of fact Dr Ranjit has a room in JTP). Dr Rashidah insensitivity towards my feelings made me feel unwanted in ELU. When that happened I vowed to give my best to my immediate boss in the koko unit, Mr Noor Azzuddin who had actually fought for me from the director.

The only setback in the koko unit, I am sharing a room with 2 more colleagues, Jap and Punitha....a little crowded and there is only one internet port connected to a PC (I'll bring swish next week) whereby in the ELU, each cubicle has individual internet port with 2 plug points.

I am given 5 hours of literature class and 1 hour 0f English language proficiency class, plus 2 hours of koko management class a week. A total of only 8 hours of teaching a week. The literature class is quite a challenge since I need to study Macbeth and teach the students drama (I have never learned literature formerly in the States since my major was ESL which concentrated more on linguistics). So far I have taught them 5 hours... the response was positive! I am exploring and learning and teaching at the same time. I am enthusiastic about learning and teaching the big literature piece by Shakespeare and I hope my enthusiasm is contageous and shared by my students.

Talking about my boss and my colleagues in koko unit, I'll start with my immediate boss, Mr Azuddin ... a nice young guy and soft spoken. I hope I am able to work for or with him .... My roommates, Punitha aged 48, very helpful and approachable. Jap..her real name is Nor Yatimah, 43 ...with her extremely short hair cut and macho look I thought she was arrogant and difficult to work with....but I was wrong...not bad...especially after we learned that we had Prof RM as our supervisor for MIT at UM. Rohimi is young...quite talkative and pleasant. He also likes to drop by our room and chat with Jap. Muzaphar, 45, is a funny and jovial guy. He likes to barge into our room and chat with Jap. He would call me 'Honey' every time he walks in. I take it as a delightful greet. Yesterday he was shocked to find that I have 5 children. He was even shocked when he learned that my age is 42 this year. He said he thought I was 30+. His immediate reaction was so funny. "Tak makan bubuk!" Well, that is just a metaphor for him to describe that I look young.

When I reached home I told my other half...other people's praises and compliments on how young I look as compared to my age mean nothing if he doesn't share the same opinion. He grins..and after some persuasion, he then admits "Ya, Hana comel lote" Haih... Why is it so difficult for a malay guy to praise his wife voluntarily...without being asked? Well, at least, I am satisfied...because to me what's important most is how my other half look at me...if I am pleasant to his eyes, that is a major victory for a simple wife like me...I would not ask for more! Definitely! I only want Jannah in return for the hereafter is my ultimate journey of life.

New Place

2010-01-09T00:53:00.000-08:00

Life is short

2009-12-29T06:03:00.000-08:00

I went to pay my last respect to arwah Pn Mashitah, Mr Fauzy's beloved wife at 4.00p.m today. Her death was a shock to a lot of people especially to her spouse, children and family.
I went to her house but was informed by her maid that the deceased had been brought to surau seksyen 11. When I reached the surau, the deceased was already bathed and wrapped. People...relatives, friends and neighbours were reciting tahlil and doa. I managed to talk to Mr Fauzy and asked him what was the cause of her death. Mr Fauzy said she collapsed in the bathroom this morning and emphasized that she had never had any serious illness before. One of her daughters verified that she passed away around 9.45a.m.

Allahyarhamah Pn Mashitah was a lovely and beautiful lady inside out. She would accompany and supported Mr Fauzi in every condition and situation. A mother of 6 - 3 boys and 3 girls - to me she had been a superb mom and wife. I pray that Mr Fauzy and her children would be able to accept her demise with open hearts...
It had been exactly 10 days my friends (ex-cmlians) and I last met her at the reunion on 19th December 2009. She was with us...I shook her hands and hugged her 3 times.... I saw her again at the wet market in Section 6 when we were buying kuih. We didn't talk to each other though since the place was crowded and I was talking to my neighbour Dr Hasni who has just came back from Haj. I had never thought that was the last time I saw her....

Her sudden death made me think...if only I would be able to choose how I die.... I would choose to die the same way as she died....so that I do not have to suffer from illness and be a burden to anybody, especially my husband and children... Or probably, after 2-3 days of illness then I passed away...that would be more acceptable for everyone I love to accept my death I guess. But Allah knows best for sure... Well, indeed life is too short...may Allah forgive us all and may Allah grant my wish.

Kuala Selangor

2009-12-28T05:14:00.000-08:00

When Datin Lailee (my neighbour) came up with the idea of organizing a trip to Kuala Selangor, I was excited. I knew that I would bring my children along so that they could be exposed to kampung life although my MIL laughed at the idea of taking the kids to watch fireflies. How I wished she displayed some wisdom and supported the idea of taking city kids to visit kampung. I was brought up in the city eversince I was born and the same thing goes to my children. I hope that my kids share the same excitement as I have inside me.

On 25th December 2009 we gathered infront of Datin Lailee's house and went to Kuala Selangor by a chartered bus. There were 98 of us all together. 40 in the bus and the rest drove their own car. We checked in at De Palma chalets. I took 2 chalets with connecting door. The chalets cost me RM344.00 a night. Afnan and Ammar in one room. Izzah, Aiman and I in another. Once we placed our luggage in the chalet, we had lunch at the hotel coffee house. And the lunch cost us RM105.00. Afnan and Ammar went for Friday prayer at the mosque nearby by the chartered bus. After prayer they intended to swim at the hotel swimming pool but unfortunately it rained so heavily. At 3.30 we boarded a trem and off we went to Bukit Malawati. The last time I went up to Bukit Malawati was when I was small with arwah abah and my whole family.

Then the trem sent us back to the hotel after which we needed to hurry to Aroma Ikan Bakar in Jeram. We did our asar prayer at the restaurant around 6.30p.m. Then, we sat at the table and listened to several speeches by the DO of Kuala Selangor, Datin Lailee and Orang Besar Daerah before we were able to enjoy our dinner and at the same time watched the sun set. It was beautiful indeed. The dinner that night cost us RM120.00. We did our maghrib prayer before we left for Kg Kuantan for a sampan ride to watch fireflies. The sampan ride cost us only RM20 per boat as compared to the actual price RM40. Thank you to MDKS for the 50% discount. The MDKS staffs prepared supper for us all and we were entertained by a Dabus performance. We finally went back to hotel around 11.15pm. We took a shower and did our isya prayer before we went to bed.

The following morning we had breakfast at the hotel (4 complementary coupons-needed to pay only RM5.00 for Aiman). Then, we boarded the trem and went to Taman Alam to listen to a talk about mangrove, lotong and birds available in Kuala Selangor. Then, we went to Kuala Selangor jetty to go for a boat ride with a fisherman who demonstrated how cockles are harvested. All of us managed to bring back a bag full of free cockles home. After that we were brought to Taman Ikan Air Tawar for fishing and colouring competitions for the children. We were treated with air kelapa muda and various types of kerepek and bahulu.

After that we went back to the hotel to pack and check out. We were then brought to Kampung Sg Sireh homestay and given a talk about homestay. We were treated with nasi ambang for lunch. That was the first time my children and I ever tasted nasi ambang. Of course we could not finish the rice and dishes served in a big round tray, so we need to re tie the food and bring it back with us. Then, we boarded the bus and were shown to the area of Kg Sg Sireh through the bus window. We stopped at a small food factory (IKS) and I bought some kerepek and bahulu gulung. Finally, we headed home and reached Shah Alam at 6.40pm . I did my asar prayer at 7pm!

I am really grateful for the experience we got from the trip. I really hope my children had a great time too.....

Blessed

2009-11-17T22:20:00.000-08:00

Life is full of ups and downs. Emotions and feelings are very much depending on our environment, hormones, ways of thinking and personality. Looking back, I guess...my life has been blessed. I am blessed with a family, education, career and friends who or which have made my life complete. Before I decided to work at IPG I was really worried......the working hours is from 8am to 5pm. I was worried since I would not be able to cook for lunch and cater for my husband's and children's needs during my absence for work...

Alhamdulillah, my husband convinced me that there was nothing for me to worry since he can cook for himself and the maids can cook for the children. Last night my husband brought us to dine at Victoria Station for dinner. I was truly touched... I didn't have to cook. Then, he told me since I am now working at IPG as a lecturer, he wouldn't stop me if I need to go for a course as he used to when I was a teacher. I appreciate his understandings and I vowed not to abuse his trust. Whatever happens, to me, family will always comes first and career second.

I think, whoever is in my position and has gone through what I have experienced before would really feel grateful and blessed.

Thank you ya Allah for making my life easier and I pray that happiness will always be rewarded to me and my whole family.

My cubicle

2009-11-17T04:07:00.000-08:00

Alhamdulillah,...my first day in IPG was not bad at all. Since the director was away yesterday, I reported myself to her deputy and later to my head unit of Kokurikulum, Mr Noor Azuddin as I was supposed to be Koko lecturer.

This morning, I went to see the director. To my surprise she asked me 'which department would I be more comfortable to work in?' Well...I answered "I was thinking of helping the english language team since TESL is my strength" Then, she assigned me to the English unit and I have my cubicle in the english language unit!

Seeks comfort but got blame instead

2009-11-03T05:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when we are in a middle of a crisis or having a problem, we need to tell somebody we trust to share the confusion we have. But my intention to share the problem did not get any sympathy. I wish to seek comfort by telling what had happened but I was blamed for letting it happen. I felt so frustrated and hurt inside... ..Allah, help me!

When the whole story had not been laid out, conclusions were made. I hate to quarrel so I just admitted my fault. To my surprise that caused anger. I felt so pathetic. I felt like I wanted to just shut my mouth forever...I felt so inadequate. People would think I was lucky ...why didn't I feel lucky? Because most of times I feel incomplete...I would normally hear complaints....complaints about my cookings, complaints about the actions I took, complaints about the things I said, complaints about the decisions I made..and the list could go on.... Anybody in my position would feel the same.

Sometimes it makes me wonder...why?I am just not good enough, huh?

Dilemma

2009-10-30T08:01:00.000-07:00

It takes a mother to know how mothers feel... When a mother made a request to her daughter who is also a mother but her daughter who is a mother could not fulfill the request of her mother resulting both mothers to become sad.

Sometimes, a mother just wants to go for a ride with her daughter for no particular reasons. Her daughter understands that but her daughter's guardian forbids her from going for the ride with her mother also for no particular reasons.

The daughter feels so much pressured inside because she knows that her mother's love has no boundary but her guardian's love comes in boxes. Besides, some times, the daughter feels unappreciated when she is around her guardian. The daughter doesn't know how to make things right. The daughter pity her mother but needs to obey her guardian.

Should the daughter defy? Should the daughter defend for her right? The daughter prays that Allah will soften the guardian's heart and open up his mind and eyes. The daughter feels helpless and she has only Allah to turn to because her daughter who used to lend her ears is away. Her other daughter hates her and only talk to her when she needs something from her.

Sometimes this daughter couldn't help thinking would she experience the same thing later? She still remembers how her guardian forbid her from joining her mother and family get together 3 times. Would her future sons in law take her daughters away too? This daughter doesn't have the answer....May Allah always bless her and her mother...

Umi's Spaghetti Bologna

2009-10-22T19:14:00.000-07:00

Ingredients:

1 packet of spaghetti (boil until soft with 1 tablespoon of cooking oil-let the water boil first before you place the spaghetti into the pot- once the spaghetti is soft, drain the water and rinse the spaghetti with tap water)

1/4'' ginger
6 cloves of garlic
10 cloves of shallots (or2-4 onions-depending on the size)
2 tbsp of blended dried chilli or powdered chilli (depends on how spicy you would want it to be)
1 bottle of tomato ketchup
1 teaspoon dried oregano leaves
300g minced meat
salt, sugar, seasonings to taste

carrot, onions and tomatoes - cut into cubes
button mushroom - slice

Procedure:
Blend ginger, garlic & onion. Heat some cooking oil. Saute the blended ingredients until brown. Add in chilli and fry until brown. Then, add in minced meat and 1 cup of water. Let the meat soft and cook. After that add in tomato ketchup (you can also add in Prego spaghetti sauce).
Add in the rest of the ingredients. Add water (depending on your desired thickness). Let it simmer for 30 minutes on slow fire. (make sure you could trace the taste of salty, sweet and sour at the same time before it is ready to be served). Happy cooking!

My favourite!

2009-10-21T06:40:00.001-07:00

Ayam masak Kurma especially for Nuha

2009-10-19T05:50:00.000-07:00

Ingredients:

Chicken of course (half)

1/4 '' of ginger
4 cloves of garlic
5 cloves of shallots

to be pounded or blended
then mix with 3 tablespoons of kurma powder (add some water).

other ingredients:
cinnamon
bunga lawang
buah pelaga
tamarind juice
coconut milk (if you are using powdered - use half a packet and add with a glass of water)
potatoes
tomatoes
green chili (if available)

Procedure:
Heat some oil in a cooking pot. Saute cinnamon, bunga lawang and pelaga. Then add in the pounded ingredients and salt. Fry until yellow. Then add in the cut chicken. Add some water and cut potatoes. Stir once in a while and leave it until the potatoes are 3/4 soft. Then, add in the coconut milk. Stir. Add in some tamarind juice. Add seasoning and salt to taste. Let it simmer for a while or until the potatoes are soft. Before turn off the stove, add in green chili cut in half and tomatoes cut in 4. Ready to serve.

Happy cooking!

Give her time....

2009-10-06T21:24:00.000-07:00

Have you heard a saying 'to love is to let go'? Hmm... it must be painful I know...but it depends..well, one thing for sure girls do not like to be pushed... not sure if I could make this generalization, but based on my own experience... yes, I don't like to be pushed. The persistence of forcing a girl to accept you in her life will drive her away from you.

I still remember when I was studying in one of the small towns in the States. There was a guy who had asked for my hand...I was not sure whether I would say 'yes' to his request at first...but his persistence scared me away. He would call almost everyday begging me to say yes. I needed space... I needed time to like a person....it was not easy to fall in love...in fact, there was no love between me and my husband when we were engaged since our relationship was based on family arrangement. I am not a person who would easily fall to any tom, dick and harry. Since I have vowed to myself that I would only give my all to a man when I am definitely sure that he is the one. I have also vowed that the man I was going to marry will be my first and my last life time partner.

That guy wanted me to say yes without making any effort to win my heart. He did not offer any help to carry my bags or tend to my needs when I first moved to the area. He was not a gentleman. How could I say yes to him when my heart says no...

What would melt my heart? Guess! Romance? Persistence? Good looks? Height? Impressive Career? Wealth? Softness? Faith? Care? Hmmm... Yup! the last word. Probably if those guys knew my soft spot, I would say yes to them... but of course they should really show they sincerely care. How? By sharing my problem, by offering help during my tough times... what else melt my heart? Piety. But of course not to the extreme ....

So guys out there... if you want to win a girl's heart, be a caring man... be pious and above all do not force her to accept you... time will tell ... if you are not successful in winning her heart, just accept the fact that you are not meant for each other.... don't be pushy, girls will run away... give her time and space.. be there for her during tough times.. let her appreciate your presence.... All the best!

May Allah forgive both of us

2009-10-01T07:32:00.000-07:00

I can't imagine if I were to lose a daughter...I have only two. One has gone far to study in the land of the prophets.... the other one is now in a state of defiance... not knowing what she wants and how to satisfy her.... I beg that Allah forgive us both... I have asked for forgiveness but there was no response on her part... if everything that happens is a test for me ya Allah, I accept it all with an open heart... I may not be the best mother ... but I am trying to be one... I pray that Allah will guide me through.... I keep telling myself probably she is experiencing turbulence of emotion in her teenage life... and of course I need to be there for her to guide her through... I have never given up on her ... she is mine ... Allah lends her to me ... for me to nurture, educate and support her with my life ... there's nothing much I could do for the time being since she refuses to even look at me what else talk to me....One thing for sure, I will never cease praying...I believe in the power of what mothers could do....

She will be just fine...

2009-09-30T08:24:00.000-07:00

As a mother I am grateful that Nuha has done a marvelous job as my first born in leading the path to success especially to her brothers and sister. Since she is small I would only need to give her minimum guidance in her academic. I have never given her any pressure when it comes to study. She knows what she wants and she will work for it. She has made my life easier especially in monitoring her academic performance. Thank you so much my dear... I know I will miss her so much...(this blog will be visited more often since she is not around to lend me her ears)...

Reminiscing the early days when I conceived her....I was admitted to Klang general hospital for threatened abortion... I was bleeding for weeks which I had mistaken it as my menses. While at the ward, an Indian lady doctor who was on duty took me to a treatment room and asked me to lie down. With an instrument (I don't know what it is called) she took out a string of blood clot from my cervix (I guessed) and showed it me and said "see...the baby is gone". Then she asked me to go back to my bed. I was in a deep pain..and not even one nurse helped me....I still remember how I held one bed after another bending in pain just to reach my bed which was at the end of the aisle by the window. I felt like my womb was going to drop on the floor...only Allah knows how painful it was....

The following morning I was pushed on a wheelchair to have my tummy screened with an ultra sound machine. The doctor proclaimed that my womb was empty and I had a complete abortion, so there was no need for D&C. I think I was admitted for 3 days before the doctor discharged me from the hospital.

Ironically, I experienced morning sickness still....I became so weak and threw up every time I consumed food or even when I drank plain water. I was teaching in SMK Kuala Kubu Bharu at that time and I went to 2 different clinics. One doctor told me that there was a possibility that the placenta had been left inside the womb resulting me in the sickness and positive urine test..another clinic that I went to had my urine tested... the result was positive...the doctor told me that I must have been pregnant for the second time..but when he did the ultra sound, my womb was still empty...there was no trace of a living creature in my tummy..the doctor himself was puzzled... Since my husband lived in Klang and I lived in KKB at that time and since we could not afford to see a specialist....I just have to stand the agony all by myself...the pain...the misery...the sickness....the sadness...the worry..the confusion ...the uncertainty.....all by myself....

After 3 months of suffering, at last I got my first 3-month pay (my husband was doing his masters at that time)......with RM1k in hand, my husband took me to Sambhi maternity clinic at Jln Medan Tuanku in KL (someone recommended the place to me). As predicted my urine test was positive...when the doctor did the ultra sound (I had to pay RM50 up front before I was allowed to go into the ultra sound room located on the 1st floor), I saw the foetus (Nuha) was bouncing up and down in my womb! How do I know it was the same foetus? The size was traced back to the earlier date when I missed my menses. Meaning... despite all the doctors in Klang hospital and KKB clinics said...Nuha was still in my womb from day one.... Nuha is indeed a survivor! Therefore, I trust that she will survive throughout the six years in Egypt.

I've told her that life is full of challenges...problems are challenges which are meant to be faced tactfully. Problems can be turned into opportunity...shift your position and look at it from different angles...insyaAllah...there will always be light at the end of a tunnel. Challenges in life will make all of us become wiser individuals...

My prayers for her will never cease....All the best Dr Nuha!(in 6 years time insyaallah)

May Allah forgive us all...

2009-09-30T06:16:00.000-07:00

To whom it may concern,

As a human being I admit I do make mistakes...probably my judgment or action is not always right...even if they are right...they are not favourable to you...probably the words that I uttered burnt your ears....but believe me...my intention is noble...I am letting you learn ... I am letting you think... I am letting you take responsibility of your own action. I pray that Allah will open up your heart and mind and let you find wisdom.

However, if there's so much hate in your heart, I am sorry dear....too bad ...even if you despise me you have to accept the fact that I am a part of your life. .... you have lived inside me........... I could only splash your hatred with unconditional love and forgiveness but not material wealth. I have tried as much to fulfill your wish but everything must have its limits..... if you list down your granted wish list and compare it with the denied wish list... I am sure the granted wish list is longer.... If I am wrong, prove it then... there's always room for discussion and compromise.

My prayer for you will never cease. If Allah takes me away from you.... I want you to know that you are always forgiven. I will never stop loving you even if my heart aches inside...even if it stops for I would want to see you by my side in the hereafter.

Insyaallah I'll be joining IPG if Allah permits....

2009-08-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

I was at the crossroad right from the beginning. Not wanting to disappoint myself if I am not able to be posted in IPG, I had always told myself that I will be going back teaching in school.

A call from one of my best friends last month had brightened my opportunity to enhance my professional development. She told me that there are vacancies for instructional technology posts at her work place. At first, I was scared if my husband would not allow me to go there. To my surprise my husband gave me the green light. I felt really blessed. However, I was still not sure since two of my children will sit for SPM and PMR next year.... If I join IPG, the working hours is from 8am to 5pm... meaning longer working hours .... but then I thought, teaching in school does not guarantee me to be home by 5pm.....

The thought of having the opportunity to pursue PhD really enticed me to join IPG. If I go back to school, the opportunity ends there.... looking at my age, no way I could pursue my PhD... Assessing the school environment, I will put what I learn to waste by 50%. I would be able to utilize the skills and knowledge at a very minimum level. I might not be happy after all. As my friend kak Hasnah advised me, 'choose a work place where we feel happy working in it and where people appreciate our expertise'

I called kak Yan and she also advised me to join IPG or otherwise I will feel deeply frustrated as she had experienced it before.

I did prayers and beg that Allah lead me to the right decision... not only for me, but also for my entire family... so far all the signs lead me to join IPG... with kak Hasnah's illness and with the stressful environment in school, I think I have to say good bye to the school. Not that IPG is not stressful, but I am willing to take up the new challenge. Being 40+, I should be ready to face new challenges in my career. After all I will still be teaching, but this time my clients will be adult learners.

19 years of devotion....

2009-08-05T06:40:00.000-07:00

It is my 19th anniversary today. It is just like any other day..... nothing special although I try to make me feel special. Just be grateful.. it could have been worse you know.... but I would always keep my mind and heart open. Nothing last forever and Allah knows best.

Virtual classroom on Moodle

2009-07-22T09:13:00.001-07:00

Cempaka Tree

2009-06-28T22:13:00.000-07:00

Last week, my mom asked me whether I would want her cempaka tree as she wants to get rid of it. I said yes (thinking why not) without realizing that my husband would not like it.

When my mom called this morning asking me to take the tree, I did. My maid helped me to dig a hole to plant the tree. Then, my husband told me that he would not agree for the tree to be planted there since the tree would grow very big. I tried to rationalize with him by telling him that I could trim the tree so that it won't grow very tall, but to no avail. Realising that this is not my house, I obeyed although deep in my heart I disagree.

Penang Trip

2009-06-12T21:52:00.000-07:00

I was grateful that I was able to convince Afnan's father that I need to be there for Afnan when he competed for dressage at Penang Turf Club.

Ammar and I took firefly on the 5th of June 2009 from Subang airport. While waiting for the gate to open, we had breakfast at a Kopitiam at the airport. We reached Penang around 12p.m., took a cab which cost us RM38.00 to YMCA international hostel. Place our bag in Kak Zaiton's room and off we go in the same cab to Penang Turf Club. Once we reached there, we were greeted by Sue (Elisa's mother) and Azlin (Hasya's mother) at the food court. Then Ammar and I had our lunch. Ammar ate pizza and I ate pasembur.

Sue, Dr Aida and I were the only parents who attended the competition without spouse. But Sue's daughter was only a volunteer whereas Afnan and Yasmin were riders. I was really glad I was there for Afnan when he rode Diamond. Looking at how cranky Diamond was that afternoon I was worried for Afnan's safety. To me, if Afnan was able to control Diamond and complete the course safely that would be a victory for him and me. I did not aim for any placing for him since that was his first exposure to a competition in dressage. Afnan managed to get the 8th placing, sharing the same % with Hana that was 57.65%.

The next day, Afnan competed early morning. I just loved to see him riding Diamond handsomely. He made Diamond trot, walk, turn left and right perfectly in my eyes. Again, Afnan got 8th placing. Winning is not everything. I saw how teamwork made them better individuals. The kids, helped, consoled and encouraged each other before and after the competition. Triple Bar of Selangor managed to emerge the second best performer of 'riding in school programme' next to Johor. Triple Bar managed to get the first prize for Handy Pony event. A challenging activity involving 4 riders in a team.

We went back to Shah Alam on Sunday with the chartered bus. We reached Shah Alam at 12a.m. that night. Surprised that Aiman was still wide awake waiting for my return. I really had a good break in Penang. All in all, I think I spent almost RM1k for the trip that includes lodging, transport, food and souvenirs.

Fatigue, Tired, Exhausted, Worn out, Lethargic, Drained...

2009-05-23T06:43:00.000-07:00

Toooo tired. My energy level is getting low and lower each day. I have the inner drive to recharge but the drive stops when there is no support being offered. I wish to go to sleep.... a very long sleep.....

19 years......serving, pleasing, obeying, fulfilling, helping, supporting, offering...etc...
Do we need to learn the hard way to appreciate what we have? I pray that it won't be too late....

Reading brings the world closer to you.

2009-05-18T08:23:00.000-07:00

Open the door of knowledge,

Walk inside,

Pace up your steps,

Look around you,

Enjoy the beauty,

Explore your surroundings,

Stroll to different continents,

Learn about 1001 wonders of the world,

Understand different cultures and customs,

Appreciate values and traditions.

Strengthen your belief and principles

Open another door of wisdom,

Look into people’s eyes,

See lives from different perspectives,

Listen to various sounds,

Learn to touch the hearts,

Feel the uncertain emotions,

Then,

Discover your strength and weakness,

Overcome your stress and confusion,

Ready to face the world,

Revive your inner strength

Increase your will power,

Analyze others’ success and failures.

Need to open more doors?

Keep turning the page,

Indeed,

Reading brings the world closer to you.

By,

Nurulhana bt Hussain

February 2007

Another poem I wrote in conjunction with the SMKS9 English language month 2007.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T05:42:00.000-07:00

Alhamdulillah, praise be to Allah, the most gracious, the most merciful. I was able to celebrate my mother's day today by presenting her with a bouquet of flowers. The cost of the bouquet was shared by all the three of us; my two sisters and I. My mum is going to take her mother (my grandma) for dinner tonight to celebrate mother's day.

When I got back home, my eldest daughter presented me with a wish card, so I kissed and hugged her. Later, at 2.30pm, on my way to UKM to send my daughter for a two-month course, I got an sms from my son, Afnan, who was in Rawang training horse riding for a competition in June, wished me happy mother's day. I got back from UKM around 5.30pm. To my surprise, my second daughter bought pizza for me to celebrate mother's day. I was truly touched since the cost of the pizza was shared among my three children, Izzah (rm 22.50), Ammar (rm15), Aiman (rm13). It never occured to my mind that they are capable of organising such a pleasant surprise on mother's day. Since my mother in law is around, so I told her the celebration was for both of us since both of us are mothers. I felt pity towards her since none of her children came to take her to celebrate mother's day. Probably it is due to it is not her family's culture to celebrate such days.

Later I read Nuha's entry in her blog about mother's day describing how grateful she is having me as her mother. I am truly touched. All my 5 children are the apples in my eyes. I love them all the same. They are my treasure, my assets.

I am grateful, truly am. I am blessed for still having my mum and my grandma around to be able to celebrate mother's day together. I am also blessed for having 5 children who appreciate my existence in their lives. Ya Allah, I pray to You please safeguard my children from any danger and misfortune. May Allah bless me, my family and those who know and care about me.

I Wonder by Sister Camilia Badr

2009-05-07T06:57:00.000-07:00

I wonder

If prophet Muhammad visited you
Just for a day or two
If he came unexpectedly,
I wonder what you would do.
Oh I know you'd give your nicest room
To such an honoured guest,
And all the food you'd serve to him,
Would be your very best
And you would keep assuring him
You're glad to have him there
That serving him in your home
Is joy beyond compare

But...when you saw him coming
Would you meet him at the door
With arms outstretched in welcome
To your visitor?
Or...would you have to change your clothes
Before you let him in?
Or hide some magazines and put
The Quran where they had been?
Would you still watch X-rated movies,
On your TV set?
Or would you rush to switch it off
Before he gets upset?
Would you turn off the radio
And hope he hadn't heard?
And wish you hadn't uttered,
The last loud, hasty word?

Would you hide your worldly music
And instead take hadith books out?
Could you let him walk right in,
Or would you rush about?
And I wonder...if the prophet spent
A day or two with you
Would you right on doing the things
You always do?
Would you right on saying the things
You always say?
Would life for you continue
As it does from day to day?
Would your family conversation
Keep up its usual pace?
And would you keep up each and every prayer
Without putting on a frown?

And would you jump up early
For prayers at dawn?
Would you sing the song you always sing?
And read the books you read?
And let him know the things on which
Your mind and spirit feed?
Would you take the prophet with you
Everywhere you plan to go?
Or would you may be change you plans
Just for a day or so?

Would you be glad to have him meet
Your very closest friends?
Or would you hope they'd stay away
Until his visit ends?
Would you be glad to have him stay,
Forever on and on?
Or would you sigh with great relief
When he at last was gone?
It might be interesting to know
The things that you would do
If the prophet Muhammad, in person, came
To spend some time with you.

The poem above was retrieved from a magazine (probably Islamic Horizon-- but I am not too sure though) back in the late 80's when I was studying in the USA.

My Poem

2009-05-05T08:09:00.000-07:00

PROFICIENCY MAXIMIZES OPPORTUNITY

PROFICIENCY,

AS THE WORD SOUNDS SO PERFECTLY,

AS IDEAS FLOW WITHOUT DIFFICULTY,

AS MEANINGS CONVEYED EXPLICITLY,

AS EXPRESSIONS UTTERED BEAUTIFULLY,

AS MOTION ARGUED CONVINCINGLY,

AS THE TRUTH EXPLAINED ACCURATELY,

AS CONFUSION SPELLS OUT CLEARLY,

WITHOUT IT….

WITHOUT PROFICIENCY…

THERE GOES CONFIDENCE,

WITHOUT PROFICIENCY…

THERE GOES PRODUCTIVITY,

WITHOUT PROFICIENCY…

THERE GOES QUALITY,

WITHOUT PROFICIENCY…

THERE GOES CERTAINTY,

WITHOUT PROFICIENCY…

THERE GOES EFFICIENCY,

WITHOUT PROFICIENCY…

THERE GOES DIGNITY,

WITHOUT PROFICIENCY…

THERE GOES VICTORY,

WITHOUT PROFICIENCY…

THERE GOES OPPORTUNITY.

BY NURULHANA HUSSAIN

This poem what written by me in conjunction with the English language month 2006 when I was still teaching in SMK Seksyen 9 Shah Alam. The theme for the month was the same as the title of this poem.

Family Day without me..

2009-04-26T08:19:00.000-07:00

The Unang's family day was held on 24th to 26th in A Famosa Resort in Melaka. Who attended? The Hussain Unang's family (Malaysia) and the Nam'ah Unang's family(Singapore). My second daughter was the only representative from my family when every body else turned up.

It is very upsetting, of course for not being able to attend the gathering. I am glad my daughter had a good time there and had the experience of knowing the family tree from my side. I feel very frustrated indeed. There were so many available reasons that contribute to my inability to go to Melaka when those reasons could actually be overcome if .... (let it be only me who knows).

Regret? Indeed! No question. Can't help it! Blame? Of course! Who would not? Too selfish! Irritated? Definitely! Especially, when you know your existence is only for convenience....

Just wonder.... do you have to wait until you lose a person before you realize how meaningful her existence is towards you? Or you would never realise... would you? Is it too late? Only time will tell. Mercy.... Ya Allah.

Is it wrong to laugh?

2009-04-26T07:57:00.000-07:00

Laughter is a sign of being happy...it is true! Laughing is supposed to be a therapy. Any objection? Can a laughter become cynical? Depends. Depends on what? Depends on the reasons for laughing? Would you mind being laughed at if the laughter comes from a person who would do anything for you? What if the person does not mean to laugh at you but laugh for the fact that she considers funny?

Is it wrong to laugh when you feel funny to what you heard? Why must a laughter be misinterpreted? Should one just stop laughing? One might as well erase the word laugh from one's dictionary of life. No reason for one to laugh any more. No reason to share feelings anymore. No reason... especially when what ever is said being misinterpreted many times.
No more laughter.. You won't be hearing it anymore.

Will you miss to hear the laughter? Don't think so since selfish is your outfit. Are you able to bring back the laughter? You don't even care if you are or not. What you care about would only be to fulfill your needs and desires. You would be too selfish to notice the difference any way. Say farewell to laughter... too tired to laugh anyway.

Marble Cake Kak Hira

2009-04-15T23:08:00.000-07:00

1 cup butter
1 cup Castor sugar
1 and a half cup flour (sift with 1 teaspoon of baking powder)
3 eggs
3 tablespoon condensed milk
1 teaspoon vanilla essence
2 tablespoons of cocoa powder (sift)

Beat butter and sugar until fluffy. Add in egg one at a time. Continue beating until fluffy. Add in condensed milk and vanilla essence. Lastly add in flour and mix well. Turn on the oven and preheat for 5 minutes (180 degrees C) Divide the batter into 2 bowls; one leave as it is and the other mix well with the cocoa powder. Scoop both batter into a greased mould alternately until finish. Bake in the oven for 40 minutes.

Sambal Goreng Tempe berkicap Kak Hira

2009-04-12T22:27:00.000-07:00

Note: Please use your discretion in estimating the quantity of the ingredients since the recipe handed over to me was without measurement.

Ingredients:

tofu
tempe
potatoes

diced and fried until brown and put aside

suun (generous amount)- soak in water
dried shrimps (generous amount)
onions, garlic, ginger and fresh chili - sliced

Procedure:
Soute sliced onions, garlic, ginger and fresh chili.s Then add in chili boh (optional) and dried shrimps until brown. Add in habhal soya sauce and tamarind juice. Then add in suun. Add in tofu, tempe and potatoes. Sprinkle some seasonings if you like.

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

2009-04-02T19:05:00.000-07:00

Normally when you see dead end, you will turn around and look for alternative routes. But if you still see dead end, what would you do? Won't you ask for help?

I really don't understand... I feel like yelling to these people 'Go and ask for help'. Make a request or an appeal... or at least support the request when someone has asked for help on your behalf. It is really frustrating.... It is like when you have opened up a path for people who are trapped in a cave, what they did were moaning, complaining and sighing without helping you to move away the rocks and boulders so that they could get out from the cave. Hope Allah will forgive me for feeling this way.

Daging masak kicap Che Wah

2009-04-01T07:44:00.000-07:00

Ingredients:

250g beef - slice thin

Bumbu - to be pounded using pestle and mortar:
1/4 teaspoon of black pepper
1/2 inch of ginger
5 pieces of garlic
5 pieces of shallots

Mix the sliced beef with all the pounded ingredients above in cooking pot. Add in 150 - 200ml water. Heat up on the stove until the beef is soft. Then put aside.

Heat 5 tablespoons of cooking oil on a wok. Fry sliced potatoes and put aside. Then, saute 1 inch of cinnamon (optional) Then, fry the beef until brown. Add in the remaining liquid from the pot. Rinse the pot with 50ml of water and add it to the wok. Add in Bilal (about 10 - 15 tablespoons) soya sauce and tamarind juice. Let it cook for several minutes. Just before turning off the stove, add it green chili, sliced onion and potatoes. Walla.. now it is ready to be served. Served best with fresly cooked rice.

Tentative programme for Family Day

2009-03-28T07:58:00.000-07:00

Date: 24 - 26 April 2009
Venue: A Famosa Resort Melaka.

Friday
- check in 2-6 pm.
- solat maghrib in jamaah
- recite yasin and tahlil
- solat isya in jamaah
- dinner
- ice breaking activity - family tree

Saturday
- solat subh in jamaah
- light exercise
- breakfast
- animal safary
- lunch
- wet world / colouring activity
- solat maghrib in jamaah
- tazkirah and tahlil
- solat insya in jamaah
- sharing session - memoir of Hussain b Unang
(suggestions: representative from grandchild (shifa')
nephew (abg lili or abg asat)
children (kak huda)
sister (obek 6)
wife (mak)
then open to anybody else depending on time.

Sunday
- breakfast
- packing
- dismissal / farewell
-

Want to be my son in law?

2009-03-25T07:07:00.000-07:00

I have two daughters, Nuha and Izzah. Nothing to do with Anwar Ibrahim's daughters, just coincidence. Funny because Anwar's third daughter has my name, Nurulhana. That is not what I want to write about today. I am intending to outline some of the conditions if any guy out there would want to be my son in law.

Of course I am very well aware that humans can only plan but the execution comes from Allah. Nevertheless, as a mother, I have the right to wanting the best for my children. Yes, life is too short to be picky and choosy, but still, I do not want to jeopardize the quality of life of my children even though it is a short journey . Others might not agree but the guide below is solely for my daughters and may not apply to other people's daughters. Of course people can change and behaviour can be improved but the drive to improve must come from within the individual himself. My daughters are not perfect and I am not looking for perfection either...but I am trying to minimize problems which might occur some time later in their lives if Allah permits. May Allah bless us all.

The criteria are as follows. The person must:

pray 5 times a day
comes from a family who also pray 5 times a day
able to recite the Quran perfectly
love my daughter unconditionally
respect, love and get along with his own parents and family
respect me and my family and able to get along with every single one of us
able to care for my daughter's well being
accept the fact that my daughter cannot cook
does not play any musical instrument.
observe Islamic moral conduct at all times.

The conditions above are subject to change depending on situation..and I mean no offense to anybody out there...Of course, as a mother I need to give all the support I can to make my children happy. After all, life is too short.....

Gulai Kari Johor Che Wah

2009-03-24T07:25:00.000-07:00

Ingredients:

A quarter kg of beef (slice) or chicken (cut)
1 inch of tumeric
1 inch of belacan (shrimp paste)
5 pieces of garlics
5 pieces of shallots
2 pieces of lemon grass
Half teaspoon of halba
1 tablespoon of kerisik
3- 5 tablespoon on blended dried chili
1 packet of concentrated coconut milk.
Potatoes (peeled and cut in four)
Tomatoes (cut in four)

How to:
Tumbuk kunyit, belacan, bwg putih dan bawang merah hingga lumat. Titik serai. Panaskan minyak dan tumis biji halba hingga naik bau. Kemudian, masukkan bahan2 yg telah ditumbuk dalam periuk. Setelah garing, masukkan cili mesen dan kerisik. Biar hingga garing. Masukkan daging atau ayam dan sedikit air. Masukkan kentang. Biar hingga daging dan kentang empuk.
Masukkan santan dan akhir sekali masukkan buah tomato. Biar seketika dan sedia untuk dihidang.

Taking things for granted

2009-03-23T23:50:00.000-07:00

Life is too short to take things for granted. I am always grateful with what I have. I think Allah has given me a lot more than I had asked for. But being His servant (if I am qualify, that is), I would always ask for more each day. I would ask for blessings, I would ask for favours, I would beg that my burden and obstacles in life be lightened. I am grateful for my late father who had given me such a beautiful name. NURULHANA. It means the light of happiness in arabic. Indeed, I am determine to make myself happy and to make everyone that I care and love and everyone else around me happy.

Sometimes, the devils will tell me that hey, Hana, you did not get the same in return. You have been pleasing others but people take you for granted. Hmm... is it true? Well, I love talking to myself, talking to my mind to make me understand situations, conditions and challenges that come to me from all angles. That is how I comfort myself. When I am able to assess the situation from the bird's eye view, I would say, hey Hana, you do good deeds for the sake of Allah, right? So, that is the end of the story. If I do good things, I am pleasing my Creator and not because I would want something in return. Meaning, it people take you for granted, do not complain. Allah knows what is in your heart.

Yes, yes, I am fully aware that I should not have asked anything in return for all the good things I have done to others especially to the people I love and care. Only that deep inside me I am afraid if these people would regret for taking me for granted when I am no longer around. I do not want them to learn the hard way. I pray that happiness will always be mine. It is ok if others take me for granted because I always have Allah to turn to. I hope it will not be too late for the people I love and care to realise that I have done my all for the best of everyone. May Allah bless us all with Jannatul Firdaus.

Udang Galah masak gulai ketumbar Che Wah

2009-03-22T21:05:00.000-07:00

This recipe is inherited from my mother in law.

Ingredients:

Udang galah 15-20 pieces

Bumbu to be blended:
Garlic 5 pieces
Shallot 6 pieces
Tumeric 1 inch
Lemon grass 2 pieces
Powdered coriander 1 tablespoon (heap)

Saute all the ingredients in heated oil. Leave it until fragrant. Then add 5 tablespoon full of blended chilli. Let it fry until fragrant. Next add in udang galah, 2 glasses of water and cut potatoes. Let it simmer until the potatoes are soft. Then, add in a packet of concentrated coconot milk and cut fresh tomatoes. Add in salt and seasonings to taste. Let it simmer for another 2 minutes. Then Walla, done and ready tobe served.

A tribute to Siti Salwa Hj Arshad

2009-02-20T00:03:00.000-08:00

Salwa or Che Wah would always be there for me and vice versa. We would lend our ears to listen to each others' problems, share our happiness and sorrows. We were not close before but we respect each other very much as colleagues who teach in the same school. I was her boss for English panel and years later, she became my boss for the committee of the school library.

We became close when she suggested my name to our ex-principal for the TSIE Students exchange programme of Tokoname, Japan. We spent 21 days accompanying 8 students for the programme. Mr Abdul Hakim Samuri and Mr Roslan Mohd Noor joined us too for the programme. That was in 2000.

Then, in 2005, Che Wah offered me to join her to visit Beijing. I was thrilled and again, I was able to travel abroad because of her. We visited many interesting places in Beijing, especially the Great Wall of China and the Forbidden City. We visited two schools, one primary and the other secondary. Salwa brought her husband, Azman and daughter, Marsha along for the trip. We enjoyed ourselves, especially during shopping spree at Russian market.

I left our school in 2008 until now when my application for MoE scholarship was approved. I am pursuing my masters in instructional technology in UM. Two weeks ago, I was invited to Che Wah's farewell gathering organized by the English panel of SMKS9. The news came as a pleasant surprise to me when I learned that Che Wah is going to stay in Rome, Italy for 2 - 4 years. Deep in my heart I know that she deserves the break. She has been very devoted to her profession and she has given her life to the school library. She puts her heart and soul in making the library lively and functioning. I trust that she could carry herself well in being an excellent diplomat's wife. I pray that Che Wah will be happy and able to quickly adapt to the new environment in Rome.

Memories of best friends.

2009-02-11T00:44:00.000-08:00

When I was small, I used to write quotes on friendship in my friends' autographs. For instance

Friendship remains and never ends
Friends forever
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
A friend in need is a friend indeed.

Recollecting my younger days, boy... I have lots of good friends and where ever I go never once I do not have any best friend. If other have only one best friend at certain time, well I have a lot!
Starting when I was in primary school, MGS Klang, I still remember my best friend was a chinese girl, Chng Bee Leng. It all started when she gave me a beautiful doll as my birthday present. I was touched since I had never had that expensive doll. Not only me, even my sisters had never had one. Then, my next best friend was Khalifah Marziana. I still keep her pictures. I wonder where she is now. I try to find her through facebook but failed.

Then, during my junior high school, SMKA Maahad Hamidiah, Kajang, my best friends were Ruzainah Ishak and Najwa Abd Aziz. Ruzainah is residing in Kedah, a teacher with 5 kids if I am not mistaken. Najwa is a syar'i lawyer married to Sahlan and have 7 boys! They live in Pangsun and do well in business. Besides Najwa and Ruzainah, I also had Azlinda and Zubaidah Saleh as best friends.

Then, when I was in high school, Kolej Islam Klang, I had quite a number. They were Rosiati Ramli, Che Sarimah Md Saad, Rahibah Omar, Noor Seri Othman, Mashitoh Ibrahim apart from Zubaidah who still went to the same school.

My academic life moved on when I was offered to take up TESL course in the USA. During the intensive English course in CML at Slim River Perak, I became very close to kak Shida (Rosida), Noriah Talib, Rozana Hasan, Intan Noor Azlin Ahmad Dahari and a few others. In the States, my best friends remained as Noriah and Intan. Noriah and I were roommates when we were in Azusa. Then when I moved to California States University Stanislaus in Turlock and Noriah went to California State University Fresno, I became close to Hayati Idris (Kak Long) and Che Ku Zarina (CK) since we became housemates. As I have always liked to challenge myself, I applied to be transfered to University of the Pacific, Stockton which is located north of Turlock and about one and a half hours drive from San Francisco. I reunited with Intan and we became housemate. Unfortunately, our friendship did not last. I regret it until now. How I wish I could see her and be friends again. I just could not recall what I did wrong but I do hope we could forget all the differences we had and let bygone be bygone. It would be nice if we could reunite with our families and reminisce the old times when we were very much younger.