Thursday, September 27, 2012

44

What is the significance of number 44?
Same double digit?
Either way you read it, you still get the same number.

What have I accomplished at 44?
What have I not accomplished at 44?
Spiritually?
Academically?
Professionally?
Personally?

as a person...
as a daughter...
as a wife...
as a mother...
as a teacher...
as a student...
as a friend....
as a worker...
as a mentor...
as a neighbour...
as a member of society
as a citizen of Malaysia
as a follower of Rasulullah
as a servant of Allah

I have not accomplished much...
I have a lot more to achieve
I humbly need guidance from Allah
I fear that when the time has come
I have nothing to bring along with me on the judgement day.

Dear Allah,
Please forgive me and please continue to guide me  and my family to jannah.
Will the number stop at 44?
Only Allah has the answer.

** am holding back tears.





Awkward

She can't lie to herself.  It is the feeling that has been cooped up inside.  She just knows it when she feels it but she just cannot pretend it will go... She could disguise and put on a smiling face.  The intense feeling will still be inside. 

Here the story goes:

She texted her immediate boss in the afternoon when she was supposed to join her colleagues on a camping trip that morning:
"Salam bos, I am really sorry.  I am supposed to tell you earlier but I was hoping a miracle would happen.  It seems that I lost my battle again.  I could not join the camp for I did not get the greenlight again.  I've informed the rest.  I am supposed to text you this morning but my handphone  was sulking (just like its owner) and I could not call out or call in."

Then, her boss replied:
I WILL TRY TO UNDERSTAND (in capital letters)

A few minutes later she received a call from her boss:

Her boss said "Do you know that camping is the ultimate activity for a uniformed unit so that you could evaluate the students - whether they are able to apply what you have taught them since last semester in a real setting?"

She answered, " Yes, I understand. I do understand. I am sorry. I cannot go again this time."

The conversation ends 

She knows that her boss is frustrated, but she feels frustrated even more.  Especially when everyone else in the whole unit has gone out with the respective uniformed unit including those from other department and she can't even serve her own department. 

She knows she has not been treated fairly.  She is afraid that she is going to lose her patience one day.   She has been very kind, too kind.  Her frustration makes her become quiet.... she has nothing to share since she knows her voice is no longer heard. Her feelings has no value. 

She does every thing she can.  She doesn't bother to ask for help because she knows it is going to be useless.  She is racing with time most of the time.  She gets back from work, she starts to cook, she stops and  fetches her son, she continues to cook, she sends her sons for tuition, she continues to cook, she serves dinner, she sits for a while and she fetches her sons from tuition.  Amazingly, she has never sighed or complained.  She does her routine with a smiling face because she knows what she has done would be visible to Allah. She prays that Allah shower her with health so that she could continue to serve.

But she can't deny her feelings as human. She is hurt inside.  She can only write.  She has no one to talk to.  It is too private for her to confide in anyone.  She has always kept her dissatisfaction to herself.  She will heal herself by resorting to Allah.  She is lucky that she has Allah and Rasulullah.

When she feels down, she will start to reflect.  How it all began.  She will come up with a hypothesis.... maybe because she has never been loved truthfully. After all, she doesn't fit into the criteria.  It has always been one sided.  Fulfilling responsibility and feeling in love are very different in nature. The former does not involve respect and  mutual emotion whereas the latter does. When someone is in love he/she will make sure that he/she will not hurt each others' feelings but impress him/her with care and respect instead.  Probably her hypothesis is right.

She smiles.  She should not waste her time anymore.  She should not mourn for what had happened and regret the past.  She has to move forward and always look at the positive side of life.  She needs to turn problem to opportunity - to be closer to Allah.  She trusts that Allah will always be there for her.  Allah will listen to her when nobody will.  She heals herself by thinking that this world is only temporary.  Hereafter is eternity and jannah is her goal. 

Her frustration will fade and she will begin to smile again.....



Monday, September 24, 2012

The door is closed

No room for discussion.
The door is closed.
Nothing could be said.
No questions could be asked.
No compromise is intended
No negotiation is extended
No explanation could be uttered
No consideration is offered

Too selfish to consider....
Too self eccentric to even bother...

Thought it should be otherwise
Thought there should be give and take
Thought there should be a shoulder to lean on
Thought there should be tolerance
Thought there should be understanding
Thought there should be support
Thought there should be care and concern...
At least, LISTEN...
FORGET IT!
DREAM ON!

Her wants are not of concern....
Her interests are off value....
Her feelings are meaningless
Her likings are not worth considering
Her views are not worth thinking
Her voice is not worth listening
Her frustrations are not a problem
Her embarrassments do not mean a thing
Her heartbreaks are not worth concerning

After all,
She will always be there
Accommodating
Appreciating
Tolerating
Accepting
Obeying
Smiling

Never complain
Never defy

Just like a robot
Made of metal
No emotion
Need no hug
Need  no pat
Need no sympathy

The whole week
She is alone... when the rest camp out
She misses the fun,
She misses the experience.
Funny!
She could not explain
She could not negotiate
Probably one night or two
Instead of four...

The door is closed, remember?
Ashamed, embarrassed, frustrated,
Name it!  
No place to hide...

She thought of driving,
3 hours to and 3 hours fro...
everyday till Friday.
No choice...
has been left with no option

The voice will remain silent..
The hearts has been determined
Pray for blessings from Allah
Pray for safety all the way

However,
the news on the radio stops her...
Fatal accident on the same route she is going to take..

She sees dead end..
She turns to Allah
She knows very well
Allah holds the heart of all mankind

She could be wrong though
Only Allah knows
May Allah forgive her.