Thursday, May 27, 2010

Victimized

My colleague was right when she asked me to decide which unit or department I would want to serve in the following semester since I am serving both extra curricular unit (ECU) and English language department. She had gone through the same experience before - serving both ICT and English language Departments. I've been victimized quite a number of times.

First, I was appointed as the coordinator for a subject I am teaching by the department I am helping. As I was willing to learn, I accepted the appointment without question. Little did I know I was not supposed to accept the appointment since I am serving a different unit. As a new comer I found that very little coaching was extended to me or should I say NIL because what I got was merely a list of things to complete and submit as well as a few old samples given to me which I found have some errors and not up to the standard.

Second, I was called to attend meetings held by the ELD without them informing the Head of the unit I am serving. One morning I went to the college next door to attend a meeting on EL Camp after receiving the letter from the Head of ELD. I was too ignorant at that time to realize that I needed to inform my immediate boss about my going. He called me that morning and gave me a surprised remark for not being informed. I had to apologize and I felt that I was being used again.

Third, forth, fifth and sixth are trivial things which had made me started to feel annoyed. They are not worth to be conveyed here.

Recently is about the MBI course. The last 2 phases will be combined to 1 phase only. Therefore, instead of 3 days a week for another 2 times, trainers and teachers will now have to go for one last phase for 5 days. I have no problem being involved in the training since it is held near my residence. But the time given to me this time is on the first week when the institution reopens after the holidays. My immediate boss said that he would need my help the most on that first week since there would be meetings and coordinating of the extra curricular activities to handle. I tried to arrange for mutual exchange with the other colleagues. Apparently everybody would be busy on that first week. Once again I felt that I am being used as a scapegoat. I regret that the Head of ELD did not consult my immediate boss before she puts me in the schedule. A new comer like me would always be easily bullied...huhu...

Saturday, May 22, 2010

How do we know whether he is the one?

When I was my daughter's age (19), I used to think who would my Mr Right be? Coming from a strong religious back ground, befriending the opposite genders was not a norm for me although deep inside me I wanted to be loved and pampered. I used to think how do I know for sure whether the person who approached me was the right one for me to take him as a lifetime partner. I have never got the answer....

When I first went to the States (in Azusa), I was approached by A. I liked him as a friend because he was pious, able to recite the verses in the Quran beautifully and the bottom line is he showed me that he cared about me.... but I was too naive to fill the emptiness in his heart then. I have set my goal... that is to study and excel in my study... only if he was not too hasty in making me his special friend I might still be his friend. Why can't he tell me that we should build our friendship for the sake of Allah? I might respond to his letters and telephone calls. I did not give him hope right from the beginning because I was not sure whether he is the right one for me. I was too afraid I would break his heart as well as mine if the relationship did not work later. Ironically, I have broken his heart anyway when I did not respond to his letters. At that point of time I told myself if we were meant for each other Allah will lead us to each other one day. If not, probably there would be a better guy waiting for me and a better girl waiting for him....

When I moved to Turlock, another guy, W, approached me. He tried so many ways to win my heart. He tutored me Calculus and helped me with my Computer Programming assignment (He was paid by the University though). He wrote me a letter asking for my hands. He called begging me to say 'yes' almost every day. He asked an Arab guy (Saeed) whose wife (Ameena) was my good friend to be a mediator so that I would agree to his proposal. When I told him that I would consider a guy's proposal only if the guy asks for me through my parents, he approached Ustaz Mohd Akhir (an MSD officer) who happened to be my late father's friend to propose me on his behalf. Unfortunately, his persistence scared me and pushed me away from him. He kept telling me that he was not a quitter but one thing he did not do to win my heart was he did not show me that he cares about me. He didn't offer any help to carry our bags when we first arrived in Turlock. He made me go to his apartment to borrow a tennis racket when he could just send it to me if he is a gentleman. Unlike A. At least, A was a gentleman. A offered help if I have problems. A brought me and my housemates to Long Beach to make sure that we get halal chicken and treated us dinner at a Chinese Muslim restaurant. Three other minus points with W were he belonged to the Tabligh group (I was afraid that I would be left for 3 months every now and then later), he couldn't drive a car while I could (my Mr Right should be better than I was) and he was rather short physically (about my height- he wouldn't have the power to lift me I guess since I have always wanted my Mr Right to be tall and strong enough to lift me to bed).

At that time ... I wished I could marry an Ustaz graduated from Al Azhar. I wrote letters to my seniors who were studying in Al Azhar trying to get some ideas how the gender population was like among Malaysian students who were studying there but I did not get favourable information. I was too shy to ask them to recommend a Mr Right for me.

Then, during Summer holiday (first year) I decided to go back home for 2 months. There were 3 major reasons: I missed my family; my sister was getting engaged; and I wanted to run away from W and put my mind at peace. However, I got a shock out of my life when I was proposed by my mother's good friend on behalf of her nephew. I was 19 then, and I was proposed through my parents.... wasn't it too young for me to be engaged? What if I fall for someone else later? What if he was not my Mr Right, I thought to myself. Well , he met my first criteria - he proposed me through my parents. He met my second criteria as well - he was tall. But... he was not from Al Azhar, besides he was big (although size has never been set as the criteria for my Mr Right) Above all, I did not know him.. his character -so many unanswered questions: was he caring? was he romantic? was he loving? was he gentle? can he recite the Quran beautifully? can he accept me unconditionally? was he the right guy for me? ... from his picture I knew that he smoked! When I heard his voice over the phone when he called me from NZ, I did not quite like what I heard.... was he my Mr Right? I was really confused and indecisive at that time.

To be able to answer my questions I turned to Allah. I prayed Istikharah and Hajat almost every night to get the answer. It was a tough decision indeed. I kept telling myself ... that what ever decision I made was for real. Once I have said yes, I have to accept him and live with him for the rest of my life. I really felt it was a gamble and I am gambling with my future. How do I know if he is the one? Do I really know he is the one? To tell the truth the answer is 'NO'. I was never sure! My prayers was not answered in a form of dreams but the signs I received was more like the inclination I felt deep inside my heart. I told myself then that I have to be an obedient daughter and I must not embarrass my parents since the proposal came from a family friend (Well, that is me .. always wanting to please everybody except myself). Another sign was from the first letter I received from him expressing his thankfulness towards me for accepting him when I have not given my approval to accept the proposal to my parents. I finally said 'yes' to my parents. It was a tough decision but Alhamdulillah I have made my decision although I was not sure until now whether I have made the right one. I have probably met my Mr Right but I am grateful that I am blessed with 5 children now.... Alhamdulillah. We never know for sure what is best for us in the future ... keep praying and hoping as well as working for the best, to be the best, to get the best. Only Allah knows best.


Therefore my dear daughter, we don't really have to look for Mr Right. Insyaallah your Mr Right will come to your door and knock your heart.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Kirim salam

Hehe... feel blessed indeed. I talked to my immediate boss regarding KJBI's intention to drag me into the ELD. My boss's immediate reaction was KIRIM SALLAM! I chuckled in my heart because I felt funny. It is a good feeling when you know your presence is appreciated in your work place.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

I love him dearly ... with all my hearts.

When you agree to marry a person, you must be ready to live with the same person for the rest of your life. You must agree to go through ups and downs, better or worse, thick and thin you would come across in your life, hand in hand .... together with the same pe rson. You must be willing to love him unconditionally without complaints or regrets.

When I said 'yes' to my mom in 1988, I know that my decision would be final. I have never regret in marrying him for I have faith in my parents' consent. I don't deny we experience some turbulence in our relationship. There were times when I felt so low as a result of his words, actions and attitude but I would always force myself to look at the strength and kindness and not the weaknesses.

I believe in one marriage for a lifetime. He would be my first and my last. My stand will last forever. He is the first and the last person I have given my hearts, my soul, my love, my dignity, my loyalty and my all. I'll make sure he is the luckiest spouse or at least he feels that way. I love him dearly. Nobody could replace him in my heart. NO ONE!

Have a speedy recovery dear. Till death do us part.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

He loves me!

I know my he loves me! He drove all the way from Shah Alam to Melaka for the sake of me! I had problem with my car yesterday. When I was reaching Ayer Keroh I noticed that the car could not go beyond 80km/per hour. I noticed that the temperature went up to 100. After paying the toll, I stopped since I needed to wait for the rest of the convoy (Hj Shaari and the Institute bus). When the car was stalled, I noticed the temperature went up again. I turned off the engine and wind down the screen. I called my husband and told him my worries. Since the car could still be driven, I drove off until I reached the camp site. Unfortunately, I could not drive the car uphill to the chalet. The engine stops in the middle of the hill which forced me to reverse it. I made several attempts but still the car refused to climb the hill. So, I decided to park the car in front of the cafe and we walked up hill. Luckily a student brought his car and I got a lift.

At around 9a.m this morning I felt so blessed and grateful that my husband came to replace my car with his precious car. He could have brought Hilux instead of his Merc. I felt so touched. Deep inside I know he loves me! He cares about me! Thank you dear. I feel truly blessed.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Irony

We can choose to see things from one angle or many angles. We can choose to see strengths or weakness. We could choose to see from the positive side and we could also refuse to see from the positive side. *sigh*. We could also choose to keep quiet to make others happy. We could also choose to appreciate others to make them feel loved.

When we think positively, we will give positive vibes to others. We will say words that are soothing to the ears and we would not dare to hurt others especially to your friends and relatives.

However, when we think negatively, we will utter negative comments that could hurt others' feelings. Sometimes we don't realize what we say give a huge negative impact on others' feelings because we thought we are always right and we are always better than the rest. Sometimes the comments that we made results in emotional depression to others.

Well, we could choose to be positive or negative! We could choose to be humble or boastful. We could choose to accept or reject friendship. The choice is in our hands. We decide! We make the decision! But...we could choose to love but can we choose to be loved? We could choose to respect but can we choose to be respected? We could choose to appreciate others but can we choose to be appreciated? Do we need to earn love, respect and appreciation in order to receive them??

When we are praised by others we hope to share the excitement and happiness and hope to receive the same appraisal. However, when unfavourable remarks are received, after some time we tend not to share anymore because we knew we will not get the confirmation we are seeking for. Instead, we would always feel inadequate.. Irony! Some people are good at making others feel inadequate and some people are good at making others feel otherwise.

Sometimes we wonder ... why??? We know our rank and we are very well aware of our status but that doesn't mean we have no say, right? Some times we thought we have every thing and some other times we realize that we have nothing ... and we wish we have something. At least some thing...

Monday, May 3, 2010

Should I stay?

I like my new work place. It opens the door to the exploration of knowledge. I have no complaint serving the Kokurikulum Unit so far although I am not a certified co-curriculum coach. My boss is pleasant and my colleagues in the unit are helpful. However, serving the English language department (ELD) left me with a lot of question marks. I am lucky that I am serving the ELD as visiting lecturer from other department so that I am not responsible to the head of the ELD.

Now, what bothers me is ...should I stay in the co-curriculum unit where I have no expertise to offer or should I appeal to work in the ELD where I could utilise my expertise and be good at it when I have to teach it.

I know I am capable of working anywhere the director put me. I can even work at IT department another area of my expertise. Punithavathy, a colleague at the co-curriculum unit gave me her piece of mind. She said, it was true that I could work in any department but the bottom line is in which department I would be happy the most? Well, she got an idea there. I am happy in my unit now but the thought of the probability of not able to teach English language makes me become uncertain.

Should I stay in the co-curriculum unit and leave my kind boss and understanding colleagues or should I move to ELD and work for the not-so-wise lady boss? Probably I would just cross the bridge when I come to it and follow my instinct.