Sunday, January 31, 2010

The gap is wider

Lonesome...this feeling always crops up when I am having my menses. I feel that there is a gap inside me...and the gap is getting wider. I've been trying to reflect to find the causes...but the answer seems nowhere to be found.

I've been telling what I like but no effort is done to please me ... on the contrary it has always been me to have to please ...

Why must I be afraid to voice out what I want? Why must I be afraid of getting scolded? Why am I too fragile emotionally? Why can't I be firm and determined to do what I like? Don't I deserve to be allowed to hang out with friends? Why didn't I try to voice out what I want? Why must I bear the boredom?

People are giving me attention. Not that I don't like but I am afraid to enjoy the attention given.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Tough times

I feel sorry to my MIL for refusing to accept others unconditionally. Things could be a lot easier for her if she learns to be grateful and to utter less complaints... At her age, 78, she should have loads of wisdom to be shared with her children and grand children. All her children and children in law tried their best to accommodate her needs, commands and desires....but nothing could satisfy her. To me the principle of gaining happiness in life is the ability to see things from positive angles. Always think positively...then we will be able to find inner peace... We need to learn to tolerate with others and accept the fact that all human beings are unique individuals. If we choose to be a difficult person and difficult to get along with, then we will suffer emotionally.

I am perplexed indeed. I do not know what more she wants when she has almost everything. Why must she complain and complain and complain....can't she learn to say Alhamdulillah? May Allah forgive me for letting this out...

May Allah forgive her and her children....

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Mama, where is my baju Melayu?

I met Haniza, Norriha and Tn Hj Fauzy when I attended a PTA AGM this morning. For the sake of his daughter, Tn Hj Fauzy attended the meeting and as usual he voiced out his opinions that parents should contribute more money to the school for academic programmes since the benefits will be savoured by our children. Despite the loss of his beloved wife, Kak Mas, Tn Hj Fauzy managed to pull his strength to be present at the meeting.

Before leaving the school, Norriha, Haniza and I greeted him. He shared with us how he and the children missed his wife so much... He shared with us how his son, Zayani, who joined the navy wept uncontrollably one night when they were having 'tahlil' for the late Kak Mas... Mr Fauzy asked Zayani to put on 'baju Melayu' for the tahlil instead of wearing a t-shirt. Zayani responded positively and ran from room to room calling "Mama, where is my baju Melayu?' until he finally realised that his mama had already gone for good... I just could not hold my tears...Norriha was worse...

Sometimes, we do not realise how important a person is to us until we lost them for good....

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Keep on learning

The first meeting for the institution I'm working in right now was held on 31st December 2009...It was a loooooong meeting. I don't intend to comment further on how the meeting was handled but I would want to highlight how I was surprised when the director announced that I was returned to the kokurikulum unit. I was quite upset at first since I thought I would leave the English language unit for good. Mr Rohimi, a colleague from the koko unit asked how I felt about it. I told him 'I am moving back to koko unit with a heavy heart'.

Then, during break I went to see Dr Rashidah Begum, the head of the English language unit (ELU) hoping to hear soothing words from her. I was again surprised when she introduced me to Dr Ranjit Kaur who is replacing me in ELU (when apparently she was not - she had been in JTP(jabatan teknologi pendidikan) for 12 years before she moves to ELU. Besides, two DG52 EL lecturers transfered to other IPGM). Later, she told me to vacant my cubicle and make way for Dr Ranjit to move in (when as a matter of fact Dr Ranjit has a room in JTP). Dr Rashidah insensitivity towards my feelings made me feel unwanted in ELU. When that happened I vowed to give my best to my immediate boss in the koko unit, Mr Noor Azzuddin who had actually fought for me from the director.

The only setback in the koko unit, I am sharing a room with 2 more colleagues, Jap and Punitha....a little crowded and there is only one internet port connected to a PC (I'll bring swish next week) whereby in the ELU, each cubicle has individual internet port with 2 plug points.

I am given 5 hours of literature class and 1 hour 0f English language proficiency class, plus 2 hours of koko management class a week. A total of only 8 hours of teaching a week. The literature class is quite a challenge since I need to study Macbeth and teach the students drama (I have never learned literature formerly in the States since my major was ESL which concentrated more on linguistics). So far I have taught them 5 hours... the response was positive! I am exploring and learning and teaching at the same time. I am enthusiastic about learning and teaching the big literature piece by Shakespeare and I hope my enthusiasm is contageous and shared by my students.

Talking about my boss and my colleagues in koko unit, I'll start with my immediate boss, Mr Azuddin ... a nice young guy and soft spoken. I hope I am able to work for or with him .... My roommates, Punitha aged 48, very helpful and approachable. Jap..her real name is Nor Yatimah, 43 ...with her extremely short hair cut and macho look I thought she was arrogant and difficult to work with....but I was wrong...not bad...especially after we learned that we had Prof RM as our supervisor for MIT at UM. Rohimi is young...quite talkative and pleasant. He also likes to drop by our room and chat with Jap. Muzaphar, 45, is a funny and jovial guy. He likes to barge into our room and chat with Jap. He would call me 'Honey' every time he walks in. I take it as a delightful greet. Yesterday he was shocked to find that I have 5 children. He was even shocked when he learned that my age is 42 this year. He said he thought I was 30+. His immediate reaction was so funny. "Tak makan bubuk!" Well, that is just a metaphor for him to describe that I look young.

When I reached home I told my other half...other people's praises and compliments on how young I look as compared to my age mean nothing if he doesn't share the same opinion. He grins..and after some persuasion, he then admits "Ya, Hana comel lote" Haih... Why is it so difficult for a malay guy to praise his wife voluntarily...without being asked? Well, at least, I am satisfied...because to me what's important most is how my other half look at me...if I am pleasant to his eyes, that is a major victory for a simple wife like me...I would not ask for more! Definitely! I only want Jannah in return for the hereafter is my ultimate journey of life.

New Place