Thursday, December 16, 2010

Punching bag

It's human nature! We seldom blame ourselves! Sometimes, it is not even anybody's fault but we just want to blame someone. That someone would become a punching bag. You don't have to punch anybody's physically of course but the words used are enough to become a bullet being fired at the bottom of a person's heart.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Jaydad's Lasagna

Bahan Utama

Kepingan lagsana secukupnya

White sauce (resepi dibawah)Inti daging

(resepi dibawah)Parutan keju mozarella secukupnya

Parutan keju cheddar secukupnya

Inti daging

250g daging kisar

2 biji bawang besar didadu

3 ulas bawang putih

beberap helai daun selasih(basil leaf)(kalau takde blh guna bay leaf)

1teaspoon serbuk lada hitam

1 tin spaghetti sos

2 batang carrot(didadu)

1 biji capsicum(sukati nak hijau, kuning or merah)

2biji tomato(didadu)

2 biji cili hijau n merah

1tblespoon mixed herbs(kalau takde blh guna oregano & thyme kasar)

garam dan gula secukup rasa

2-3 tblespoon butter

daun parsley

Bahan White Sauce

2cwnl susu segar

3sb tepung gandum

1/2 st serbuk lada hitam

3sb mentega

sedikit mozarella cheese

Cara Membuat Inti Daging:

  1. Panaskanbutter dalam kuali. Tumis bawang besar & putih hingga wangi.
  2. Masukkan daun selasih, cili hijau & merah dan gaul rata.
  3. Masukkan daging cincang serta mixed herbs dan masak hingga berubah warna.
  4. Masukkan sos spaghetti.
  5. Masukkan karot, capsicum & tomato& parsely, gaul rata.
  6. Tambahkan garam dan gula secukup rasa, masak hingga kering tapi masih lembap.
  7. Angkat dan sejukkan.

Cara Membuat White Sauce:

  1. Masukkan mentega dalam periuk kecil dan cairkannya.
  2. Masukkan tepung gandum dan kacau guna whisk hingga keputih-kuningan.
  3. Masukkan susu segar dan kacau sebati.
  4. Masukan secubit garam, gaul hingga bancuhan menjadi pekat. Angkat dan ketepikan.

Cara Penyediaan lasagna:

  1. Panaskan air mendidih, campur 1st minyak masak dan celur kepingan lasagna hingga lembut, angkat dan letak atas dulang disapu sedikit minyak (bagi mengelakkan melekat).
  2. Pada bekas lasagna, oles sedikit mentega dan alas dasarnya dengan kepingan lasagna.
  3. Sudu dan ratakan initi daging, tabur sedikit parutan keju cheddar.
  4. Alaskan lagi dengan kepingan lasagna dan sapukan white sauce.
  5. Lapiskan lagi dengan kepingan lagsana dan ratakan dengan inti daging.
  6. Buat hingga siap dan lapisan akhir diakhiri dengan baki inti daging dan ditabur keju mozarella. selalu akhiri dengan white sauce serta mozarella dan bukannya inti daging sebab nak bagi permukaan nampak keperangan bila masak)
  7. Bakar dalam oven pada suhu 175 degrees celcius, 30-35 min. Boleh dihidang panas atau suam.....Selamat Mencuba

Thursday, November 11, 2010

I did it my way by Frank Sinatra


Upon seeing him asking for more rice and topping it up with 2 slices of bread and then another slice, she asked him in a happy tone ... 'tasty?' He replied, "I'm just finishing the gravy". Fine! Her happy tone became flat "Owh". She consoled herself ... 'probably it is just too costly to compliment the chef '

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The beginning of a journey beyond.

Izzah's graduation. She is my sweet and adorable second daughter. We don't have a lot in common but I admire her guts. I pray that she would use her guts to fight for the best in her coming SPM.

In the USA Convocation is called commencement. It means the beginning. The beginning of journey of life after graduation. I pray that Izzah will carry her name well. Izzah means dignity and Farihah means happy. She'll be successful in her life with dignity and happiness. May Allah bless you always dear. I love you with all my heart and my whole life forever.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Long Rest

How I longing to have a very very long rest ... I was at the verge of tears ... feeling so hopeless ... I am tired of pleasing everybody around me ... as if what I have done always not good enough. Can I request for a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong rest? I am just tired!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Government Servant

I don't know how and where to begin. People keep on fighting over me. Yes, I know I am an asset but that doesn't mean I should be a victim of a 'tug of war'. The funny thing is, I am required to take the initiative in writing the letter to appeal for a transfer. As being advised by my other half, anyone who really wants me badly, that person needs to fight over me. That person needs to write the letter requesting me to work under the so called department, not ME!. Why should I write?? I did not complain for I know I am in no position to demand for anything.

I am new to the institution. As a government servant, I follow orders given by my superiors. I can contribute my expertise to any department who came to me and asked for my help. I have never said no before so long it doesn't involve personal interest.

My current immediate boss has been very nice to me all this while. I don't have the heart to tell him that I want to leave the unit. He has agreed to let me teach my favourite subject for 6 hours next semester. What else do I want? He has been fair and I am truly blessed. So, my stand is, I will stay in my unit until the director orders me to transfer to the other department. I won't write the letter. Don't pressure me! Nobody has the right to force me to write the letter! Period!
I thank Allah for giving me the best career consultant for me to turn to -- My Other Half! :)

"Saya yang menurut perintah" GOT it?

PadaMu ku bersujud

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Carrot Rice

I had a chance to taste carrot rice cooked by my colleague - Zabeha Hussin - this very morning. She is indeed a good cook. I wouldn't miss to beg for her recipe. I am sharing it here if you care to try it yourself.

1 kg basmati rice - wash and strain
water ratio 1:1
4 carrots -grate
2 tbs condensed milk
1 cup evaporated milk
1/2 cup mint leaves juice
coriander leaves
lemon grass - pound once or twice
tomato -diced

** 5 green chilis - blend and strain
4 onions - blend and strain
8 garlics - blend and strain
1 inch ginger - blend and take the juice only

Boil water in the rice cooker.
*In another pot, heat some oil + ghee/planta. Saute cloves, cinnamon, cardamom, star anise and lemon grass. Then, add in ** until half brown.

Once the water in the rice cooker is boiled, add in *, salt, condensed milk, diced tomato. Then add in rice, grated carrot and stir well. When the rice is 75% cooked, add in evaporated milk, mint leaves juice and coriander leaves. Let the rice cook.

Serve the rice with fried/rendang chicken, Kurma beef and Air Asam.

Air Asam Zabeha

Blend onion, red chilli, cili padi, tomato, shrimp paste, salt and sugar.
Mix with slices of onions and tomatoes.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Eternal love

I had a good chat with a colleague at my office this morning. She is an established poet whose picture was published in major newspapers every now and then. Besides, she had won four literary awards at national level. As she is in her forth year of doing PhD part time, I took the opportunity to get some insights from her. She told me to research on something which I am passionate about or else I will find it tiresome. Since she the passion in Malay Literature she studied all the short stories written by Dato Dr Anwar Ridhuan (Sasterawan Negara 2009).

Through her critical analysis she found out that none of the love short stories written by Dr Anwar has happy ending. Through research and interview she then concluded that Dr Anwar believes that happiness and eternal love is only for and from Allah. To him love for and from mankind would always end up with dissatisfaction and disaster. After listening to her explanation, I paused to think .... I began to develop my admiration towards the nobel writer, Dr Anwar. I've yet to read all his pieces and discover the beauty through his writings myself.

Being sensitive

Sensitive, huh? Is it bad? It could be good. Depending on how you look at it... Being sensitive would help you to analyze and reflect on your thinking, your stand, your action ... etc. It helps you to realize who you are... what you have done ... what you should have done ... what you should not do.... It helps you to draw the line and not get carried away ...

Very well... I am very well aware of my status ...

I am very well aware that I should know my limitations ...

I am very well aware that I should be responsible for the things I have done ...

I am very well aware that I should not take things for granted ....
(and let others take me for granted? Oh well .. *sigh*)

I am very well aware that I should not depend on others ...

Being sensitive? Duh! As if anybody cares ...


Awareness alone is not enough ... act on it!
Do not use what does not belong to you... SIMPLE! Daaaa!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


We have innovation exhibition at the college where I am teaching today. I didn't have time to visit all booths but there were a couple of booths I visited displayed 'big book'. One is done for English language lesson and the other one is for special education kids.

The students in the first booth I visited were not able to tell me the angle of innovation they had done in developing the book whereas the students in the second booth were not able to tell the benefits of the innovation they would expect the children would experience as a result of the big book they 'innovated'. My answer to their inability to answer my questions was because they 'innovate' the big book without analysing the needs of the end users. They need to do needs analysis in order to come up with the solution to the existing problems among learners. On the other hand they came up with the 'innovation' just for the sake of doing it.

Designing instructions must be based on learning theory and instructional model and based on the needs of the learners.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Unconditional love

If it is not meant to be then it is not meant to be... no question asked. Just be grateful for the world is only a pit stop and it is better aiming to live gracefully in the eternity.

Some are lucky... their love is mutual ..

  • they get to recharge or be recharged
  • they get to complement each other
  • they get to scratch each others back
  • they get to feel appreciated when they are together
  • they get to hear assuring words and feel assuring actions
  • they get to be persuaded every time they are sulking
  • they get to be pampered and treated with love and respect
  • they get to feel complete even if they are far from perfect
  • they get to accept each others shortcomings without complaints
while others ... often times their love is one-sided ... they give their all but they receive so little in return.... they don't complain because to them, their love is unconditional ...
  • they self-charge
  • they complement the other
  • they scratch the other
  • they show appreciation to the other
  • they give assuring words and do assuring actions
  • they self-heal and find happiness within themselves
  • they give their love, commitment and respect to the other
  • they accept the others' shortcomings with open hearts and minds
  • they feel incomplete whenever they are together
  • they feel their presence is taken for granted

Love should be unconditional, treated with respect, felt and heard. Love requires faith, trust, sincerity, tolerance, acceptance, loyalty as well as emotional and physical sacrifices. Love doesn't need to be showered with material wealth. It needs some understanding, considerations, compromise, touch and care. Love does not necessarily be mutual even though it hurts. Some times, we are in love and yet we feel lonely. Some other time, love is for you to let go and often times you just have to make some time hoping to let it grow.

What others thought of us are wishes that we hope they are true. But at times, they are just too good to be true.


Sunday, October 17, 2010

Saturday, October 16, 2010


Ever since I could remember, I have always received compliments and comments from friends, students and strangers with regard to my youthful look. Frankly speaking, I don't enjoy it. If given a choice I would prefer to look my age ...


So that I would receive the due respect I should get
So that I wouldn't be bypassed for bigger responsibilities and promotion
So that people would listen to my voice and views

There were quite a number of incidences in my career to relate to my point. Here are the major ones:
  • I failed to get APC in 2000 (my colleagues made a fuss when I did not receive the due credit since they observed my working culture - the administrator thought I was too young to get it although I have served longer than those who received it then)
  • I was bypassed for promotions (Head of Department as well as Senior Assistant of Student Affairs)
  • I was bypassed to get the APC for many years after that until the senior assistant realised that I was the last two candidates who helped to start the school hadn't received the APC.
  • I was treated as a 'kid' when I move to a new work place.
Sometimes I felt insulted when people made extreme comments. Here are the instances.
  • A counselor who posted to the school where I taught thought I was a fresh graduate when I have served the school for more than 10 years.
  • A salesman told me that I must have married when I was 15 when he saw my second daughter who was 16 then.
  • A fellow course participant thought I was in my 20's with an IQ of 40's when I am actually in my 40's!!! (Grr...)
  • etc
See, how people see me has become a liability rather than a mere lucky?

Well, despite all the comments I have written above, I know I should be grateful to Allah the Almighty for giving me every thing that I have today.


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

My graduation

This entry has long been overdue... but I want to write about it anyway...
My graduation! It was a sweet moment for me since it was my first experience to receive a scroll from a royalty. I did not go through the same experience after the completion of my first degree in the States since I came back to Malaysia before my commencement was held.

Alhamdulillah, all the hard work has paid off. I am a grateful mother and wife for I have accomplished my master at the age of 42 (late bloomer, huh?) I owe a lot to my family for being there for me through thick and thin especially to my dear soul mate for being there for me when I need to engage myself in an intellectual discourse. My family is the pillar of my strength. I am really grateful to Allah for all the blessing I received.

Below is the acknowledgment I have written in my research report:

The intellectual journey I have gone through in completing this study was a remarkable process of endless thinking and questioning. Therefore, my gratitude is to everyone mentioned below.

I am truly grateful especially to ‘Allah’ who had and would never tire listening and answering to my prayers. My heartiest gratitude is forwarded to all my lecturers who have opened the door to the exploration of boundless knowledge throughout my academic years in University of Malaya. Exceptional gratitude is extended to my supervisor, Prof. Raja Maznah Raja Hussain for her presence, guidance, patience, encouragements and wisdom which had brought to my interest and enthusiasm in trying to make a difference in helping teachers to enhance their personal development through the use of technology.

My thanks are also extended to my supportive course mates in the M.I.T. programme who have always willing to share ideas and shed my doubts when I needed them most. To all the participants, thank you for joining the forum.

Ultimately, my priceless appreciation goes to my beloved family for being there for me during thick and thin, especially when I was experiencing emotional turbulence in trying to conquer the victory in completing my study. Thank you to my husband, for his unconditional love, understanding, ideas, patience and material as well as moral support. Thank you to all my five children, for behaving well throughout these years and thank you to my parents, for never cease to wanting the best for their daughter.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Aiming high

I haven't written for quite some time although I have a lot to write and share.... I have long wanted to write about my admiration towards the traffic police whom I encounter every time I go to work. I wanted to write about my gratefulness when my other half is back from Gaza. I wanted to write about my experience studying and working in the States. I wanted to write about how I feel toward the classes I am teaching. I wanted to share how frustrated I am when my website is gone due to the breakdown of the web host server. I wanted to share my Raya preparation and write about my worries about my children's well being if I am no longer around to celebrate Raya. ... The list could go on .. I just don't have the time to sit and write. I need to write my PhD proposal when I myself am not sure of the scope I would want to focus on... I am worried about the fund .. 3K ++ per semester ... yes ... I always want to aim for the highest and I am still moving forward .... May Allah make it easy for me to realise my dream of getting the initial PhD at the back of my name.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

My prayer for you

I learnt about this mission to Gaza when I read on a friend's post of his FB wall about his uncertainty whether or not to join the mission. I paused after reading it. I did not give any comment for I had to think whether or not to encourage him or to ask him to think 1000 times before making any decision. Since I could not decide myself I postponed my intention to comment on his post. I let it go without thinking about it again until a week later my husband received 3 guests (his college friends) one evening.

I got home from work that evening and saw 2 cars parked at the porch. I entered the house from the kitchen door to avoid the guests (YB Zul and 2 more friends) who were sitting by the fish pond. Once they left the house my other half told me that his friends invited him to join a mission to Gaza. I paused and thought hard. Should I say yes or no? Should I let him go or should I discourage him from going? Then I asked him ' Is this mission a jihad?' He quickly responded 'Yes'. Then it dawned on me ... who am I to say no if my other half would want to be a part of this mission of jihad? So, I told him, 'If it is a jihad, then GO! You have my full support and prayers'.

I believe in fate. I believe that life and death is for Allah to decide. I know it would be dangerous to go to Gaza and I know it is going to be hard there. It was not easy for me to say 'yes' to him.. there are a lot of 'IFs' to answer. For Allah's sake but one thing for sure... my prayer would always be with him. I vow to become the pillar of his strength. After all, I am his other half.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Staying Positive

Last week I learnt that I wouldn't be able to teach English language anymore.

My feelings?
I was down.. really down. What do you expect? That's my bread and butter. I've been teaching the language for 20 years and suddenly I was denied from teaching it.

My reactions?
Well I talked to my colleagues (from my unit, from ELD and from IPBA) to voice out my worries. Then at home I talked to my other half. The next day I talked to the Head of the English language Department (she was the one who talked to me first actually). Then I talked to my immediate boss at my unit.

The advices / comments I received?
Every one else including my other half advised me to stay at my unit. Only the head of ELD insisted that I should appeal to the director so that I could transfer to her department. But after giving much thought and analysing the way she defended herself in front of the Deputy Director, I knew if I were blamed for appealing, she would not come to my defense. On the other hand, one thing for sure, my immediate boss will find all means to make me stay in his unit and he will definitely come to my defense. My immediate boss warned me against appealing to the Director or I will be victimized by the system.

My decision?
I am staying in my unit and am trying to be positive and stay positive. I know that I should explore and learn something new so that my life won't be mundane and boring. I am ready to take up the challenge. Why not?

I am really thankful that my other half is always there to support me. Love you dear.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Maher Zain - Insyaallah

Love this song so much.

Insya Allah-Maher Zain

Everytime you feel like you cannot go on
You feel so lost
That you're so alone
All you see is night
And darkness all around
You feel so helpless
You can`t see which way to go
Don`t despair and never lose hope
Cause Allah is always by your side

Insya Allah3x
Insya Allah you`ll find your way

Everytime you can make one more mistake
You feel you can`t repent
And that its way too late
You`re so confused,wrong decisions you have made
Haunt your mind and your heart is full of shame

Don`t despair and never lose hope
Cause Allah is always by your side
Insya Allah3x
Insya Allah you`ll find your way
Insya Allah3x
Insya Allah you`ll find your way

Turn to Allah
He`s never far away
Put your trust in Him
Raise your hands and pray
OOO Ya Allah
Guide my steps don`t let me go astray
You`re the only one that showed me the way,
Showed me the way 2x
Insya Allah3x
Insya Allah we`ll find the way

Saturday, July 3, 2010


There are so many things in our lives that we are not sure of. I am making generalization here without any supporting facts ... well common sense I guess. I'll just confine my thinking and this common sense to myself then. Sometimes I just couldn't help myself from thinking ... the answers to all the ifs that linger in my head.

If only....
Only if...
What if...

would the scenario be the same ...
would my life be different...
would I experience the same thing.. or different thing...
would be worse...
would it be better...
would I feel complete....
would I feel inadequate....
would I be happy ... or happier ...
would I be depressed....
would I be the same ... or different....
would I look the same ... or different ...

The unanswered questions and the uncertainties remain ...

If ...
If only ....
Only if ...
What if ...

Friday, June 25, 2010

The black stone from paradise

Being chosen as the guest of honour of Allah is blissful. My humble gratefulness to the Almighty for enabling me to step foot on Masjidilharam in the holy city of Makkah.

The journey from Madinah started after we had done our zohor prayer and taken our lunch. The bus took around 8 hours to reach Makkah. We stopped by at Bir Ali Mosque in Zulhulaifa to set our intention for Umrah and prayed solat sunat ihram.

We reached Makkah at about 9pm. We had our dinner and checked into our rooms. By 11pm we gathered at the hotel lobby to perform our umrah together. We completed the umrah around 3a.m. We took quite a long time since we had to wait for others who were first timers. Besides, the crowd was huge at these hours since the weather was cooler during subuh. We walked back to the hotel and returned to Masjidilharam around 4a.m. for subuh prayer. We did another umrah in the evening on the same day. We went to Tanaim around 6pm. and started to tawaf before maghrib. This time around we completed our umrah at about 10.30pm.
We thought of having a day off on the following day but after learning that we were going to have our miqat from Jaaranah enticed us to perform another umrah. Alhamdulillah, we started our umrah after zohor. The tawaf and saie were easy since there were not so many people when the weather was hot.

The following morning I told my sisters that I was going to perform tawaf sunat and solat sunat at hijr Ismail. If possible I would try to kiss the hajar aswad. Around 7.30a.m. we headed to masjidilharam. Alhamdulillah everything went smoothly. My sisters and I were able to kiss the black stone. First I let my sister made her attempt. Once she was done I helped to pull her hand so that she was able to free herself from the crowd. Then, I told my sister to go straight to hijr Ismail while I made my attempt to kiss the stone. Unfortunately I found myself being pushed farther away. So I decided to do my prayer in Hijr Ismail first before I proceed with my second attempt. Alhamdulillah I succeeded.

If you wish to kiss the stone, make sure you are free from ihram first. It is best if you could do it after you have performed tawaf sunnah. When you have completed your last lap of tawaf, you have to get yourself closer to Multazam (between hajar aswad and the door of kaabah). While standing, say your prayers. Then, get yourself closest possible to the door of kaabah and move yourself to the left with the crowd of the ladies. Make sure you are able to penetrate the crowd until you stand right infront next to kaabah. Hold tight to the stone where the guard is standing observing the pilgrims. Chant "Rabbi yassir wa laa tu 'assir Rabbi tanmim bil khair" many times as you move closer to hajar aswad. Keep holding tight to the stone even though you feel that you have been nudged, pushed, pulled or brushed. You will finally find yourself closest to hajar aswad and able to kiss the stone. Once your mission is accomplished, move away from the crowd by turning right. Do not go back to the same way you walked in. Raise one hand high up and yell "khuruj". You will find some ladies will pull your hand and help you to get out of the crowd. So remember to move in from the door of kaabah to the left and move out from the centre of the crowd in between the ladies and the men. If you feel that you are not confident during your first attempt and you kept on being pushed away farther from the stone, retreat and pray that Allah will guide you through. Then, repeat the same strategy and move in again from the door of kaabah. Insyaallah your prayers will be answered. Once you are able to kiss hajar aswad, you will feel that you just won a battle and the victory is yours.

You will find there will be around 3-4 indonesian ladies offering to help you kiss the stone. If you accept their offer, don't be surprised that they will demand some sort of a payment. To me, it is about you... about me as an individual to struggle for myself and to be able to fight for my right and grab the opportunity laid right in front of me without being dependent on others.

Nevertheless you have to bear in mind that the act of kissing hajar aswad is only sunnah. If the condition around you does not allow you to do it (the crowd was too violent for you to handle) or you yourself are not strong enough physically, then abort the mission. You will endanger yourself.

I can't and will not stop saying Alhamdulillah ... Alhamdulillah... Alhamdulillah. Allah is Great!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Roudhoh - the garden of paradise

My trip to Madinatul Munawwarah this time was a very short one - 2 and a half days only... the hotel is the farthest I have been living in throughout my trips so far. We stayed at Mawaddah AnNoor Hotel which is located at the far east of Masjid Nabawi AsSharif. Everytime I visited and prayed at the mosque I will never miss going to visit Rasulullah (may peace be upon him) and Roudhoh- the garden of paradise except during my visit in 2006 with the whole family because I had my mensus throughout my stay in Madinah.
Roudhoh is located between Rasulullah's (saw) house and his mimbar. I believe that the area of Roudhoh allocated for the men is more spacious as compared to the area for the ladies... So we ladies have to struggle every time we would want to visit and pray in Roudhoh.
Roudhoh for ladies is only between the two while beautiful poles. The colour of the carpet in Roudhoh is greenish white with small prints as compared to red used in the rest of the area in the mosque.

Besides Roudhoh, we also will not let go the opportunity to visit Rasulullah (saw) and to convey all the salams given by others from our homeland. You will find that your heart is so close to Rasulullah (saw)... tears will be streaming down voluntarily. Once you get this precious opportunity, don't forget to ask from Allah that you will be one of those who will receive 'shafaah' from Rasulullah (saw).

The mosque used to open up door no 22 (if I got it right) to ladies 2 times a day...after subuh and zohor. Door no 22 is meant for the men but ladies were allowed to go in from that door to visit Roudhoh and Maqam Rasulullah (saw) during the allocated time. If we go in from door 22, we will be able to see the green dome from outside. Under this dome is where the body of our beloved Rasulullah (saw) is placed to rest.

Well, that was then. During my recent visit, we could not do that anymore... at present, ladies could only enter Roudhoh from the inside .... meaning, we have to enter from door 25 (door Uthman ibn Affan) - ladies praying area and wait for the guards to pull out some sort of signboard which carries name of the country or language that you belong too. In my case, I have to look for a signboard which says "Bahasa Melayu" ... I guess that would include people from Malaysia, Indonesia, Singapore, Brunei, Thailand and the like. We will have to sit obediently among our groups and wait for our turn until the guard let us get up and walk towards Roudhoh. There will be one or two more pit stops for us to wait inside before we are allowed to struggle for a space to pray in Roudhoh. When the opening is made from the inside, normally, the guard will let the ladies from the Arab countries to go in first, then Egypt, Turkey, etc. The last will be the group of Bahasa Melayu. The main reason why they separated the groups is to avoid commotion and injury... our small frame is too fragile as compared to those from the Arab regions.

But why they put us last? I wonder... Why they put us as the last group to enter. We are the most obedient group. We sat when they asked us to sit. We waited when they instructed us to wait. We walked quietly when they led us inside.... we would normally pray 2 rakaahs and move away from out praying spot to allow others to have their turns ... Why can't we be the first group since we would not take long. We are not the extremists... crying, kissing and wiping the poles. If we were given the first turn, I bet nobody from our group will over stay or nudge or push others aside. I guess I got my answer... well it is just my personal opinion ....I think it is all due to Arab superiority. The Arabs think that they are superior as compared to other muslims especially as compared to us the Malaysians.... if they did not feel that way, they would give way to us - petite ladies from South East Asia. Well I just have to accept the situation with an open heart and mind since I know Allah knows best. It is a part and parcel of life that I have just to live by it.

If anyone really wants to visit Roudhoh and Rasulullah (saw), you have to sacrifice in skipping your breakfast, or lunch or dinner. You have to be at the waiting area immediately after those 3 prayers: subuh, zohor and isya' or otherwise you will miss the visit. I tell you.. it is not easy... the journey and the waiting test your physical and mental ability, your determination and your patience. The waiting could be very long... you will feel thirsty, hungry and sleepy... but you have to take charge, persevere and steadfast. Many would just walk away even though they have walked inside. Once you get the opportunity to go to Roudhoh make sure you bring yourself to the first saf. The guards will tell you to pray at the back and at the side and they will insist that it is Roudhoh. But... after the waiting... don't you want to give yourself the best reward? Just brisk yourself to the first saf right in front... wait for your turn. You might want to gently tap on the ladies's heads or shoulders if you see that they purposely prolong their prayers. You could also say "Yallah, hajjah.. bi sur'ah - solat ya hajjah' to indicate to them that there are more people waiting for their turn. Once you got your turn .. pray solat taubat or hajat or mutlak and ask for Allah's forgiveness. Then let others take your place so that they could also get a chance to pray.

Roudhoh is indeed beautiful... you will be mesmerised! It was worth all the waiting, the hunger, the tiredness and all the trouble faced. You will walk away with satisfaction, gratefulness and humbleness. Allah is GREAT!! ALLAHUAKBAR!!!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Roof tops

Roof tops of the buildings in Cairo. The pictures were taken from the 13th floor of the hotel I stayed...Cairo Khan hotel which is located at 26th July Street, Cairo. I was really touched looking at the condition of the houses on most of the rooftops of the buildings in Cairo City. I wonder how the houses would look from the inside.. no air conditioner to stand the heat from summer and no heater to stand the coldness of winter....
Who lives there?
What do they do for living?
What about their children? How do they go to school?
The questions remain unanswered.....

Imagine if we have the same situation in Kuala Lumpur. Squatter houses on top of the skyscrapers in KL? Aren't we grateful?

Pharoah's tomb

I was pretty excited to see the pyramids for real. It is the second wonders of the world that I've visited (the first was the great wall of china). As my husband told me, once I have visited the pyramids, my journey to Egypt is considered complete... well yes I agree ...

There were 40 of us travelling with Tiram Tours. As we stepped out of the bus, a guy approached the group to offer some group photo at 25 egyption pound. I have no problem taking pictures but I will not buy the photo... the same situation I experienced at The Great Wall of China. I see no point of buying the picture as I have mine in my hand phone camera.

Then, while I was taking pictures with my children, Izzah and Afnan, two egyptian guys approached me. One of the guys gave me a piece of cloth with soft igal. "It is for you. It's free" he said. I refused to take it because I am very well aware that nothing is free but he put it in my hand. Then, he dragged Afnan farther away from the crowd which forced us to follow. I told him to stop 3 times. I told Izzah that I didn't like it and something fishy is going on. He finally stopped at one point and asked us to pose. He took our picture with Izzah's camera and insisted for some money for his effort. I told him too bad that I didn't ask for his help in the first place. He came close to Afnan and insisted that Afnan give him something..Malaysian note, bag, souvenirs...anything. I was mad and dragged my children back to the crowd. I told them to call my sister's husband hoping those two guys would walk away...and Alhamdulillah... he did as my brother in law approached us after he snatched the thing that he gave me for free in the beginning (funny!..) . Ironically, my brother in law got the same experience..his kopiah was snatched and not returned since he refused to give him something. Then, another friend related the same experience when his camera was being brought away but he was able to snatch it back from the Egyptian's hand. We can't help giggling thinking back the incidents and we concluded that the place is indeed haunted by the evil of the Pharaoh.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Without Me

I am going away for 2 weeks... but I am thinking what if I am going away for good.... would my absence make a difference? I just watched 'P.S. I Love You' on Astro and wonder how would life be without me being around my loved ones. Yup, my loved ones = the ones I loved. And the feelings are not necessarily mutual. So I guess they would be okay without me. They just need little time to get used to it... Therefore, without me nothing much would change ... the house could still be maintained. The kids could still take up the course they would want to excel in after SPM. Besides, my spouse is a better cook than I am ... so, I don't really have to worry much, right? After all he deserves a better wife. Someone tall whom he loves because he falls in love with her. I am convinced that life would go on just the same even without me.... Thank you for all the good memories and care. I would cherish forever.

Please forgive me for writing all these but I did not mean to hurt anybody with my writings. It is just my way of letting what has been cooped up inside me when the melancholic mode strikes every month. Well, never in my life I take things for granted. Having been given a verdict by a doctor that I may not live to see my kids grow up 8 years ago have taught me to appreciate life and people. I accept people's behaviour and attitude without conditions. I would let them do what they like best as long as they did not bring harm to themselves or to others. I would kiss and hug those whom I love dearly because I have always thought what if there would be no tomorrow for me ... what if that would be my last hug or kiss? *sigh* .... although sometimes I wish ...... they would hug and kiss me first. *smile and teary*

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Guest of Honour

Alhamdulillah ... Alhamdulillah... Alhamdulillah... May Allah guide me and the whole group I am travelling with to his blessings and maghfirah.

Thursday, May 27, 2010


My colleague was right when she asked me to decide which unit or department I would want to serve in the following semester since I am serving both extra curricular unit (ECU) and English language department. She had gone through the same experience before - serving both ICT and English language Departments. I've been victimized quite a number of times.

First, I was appointed as the coordinator for a subject I am teaching by the department I am helping. As I was willing to learn, I accepted the appointment without question. Little did I know I was not supposed to accept the appointment since I am serving a different unit. As a new comer I found that very little coaching was extended to me or should I say NIL because what I got was merely a list of things to complete and submit as well as a few old samples given to me which I found have some errors and not up to the standard.

Second, I was called to attend meetings held by the ELD without them informing the Head of the unit I am serving. One morning I went to the college next door to attend a meeting on EL Camp after receiving the letter from the Head of ELD. I was too ignorant at that time to realize that I needed to inform my immediate boss about my going. He called me that morning and gave me a surprised remark for not being informed. I had to apologize and I felt that I was being used again.

Third, forth, fifth and sixth are trivial things which had made me started to feel annoyed. They are not worth to be conveyed here.

Recently is about the MBI course. The last 2 phases will be combined to 1 phase only. Therefore, instead of 3 days a week for another 2 times, trainers and teachers will now have to go for one last phase for 5 days. I have no problem being involved in the training since it is held near my residence. But the time given to me this time is on the first week when the institution reopens after the holidays. My immediate boss said that he would need my help the most on that first week since there would be meetings and coordinating of the extra curricular activities to handle. I tried to arrange for mutual exchange with the other colleagues. Apparently everybody would be busy on that first week. Once again I felt that I am being used as a scapegoat. I regret that the Head of ELD did not consult my immediate boss before she puts me in the schedule. A new comer like me would always be easily bullied...huhu...

Saturday, May 22, 2010

How do we know whether he is the one?

When I was my daughter's age (19), I used to think who would my Mr Right be? Coming from a strong religious back ground, befriending the opposite genders was not a norm for me although deep inside me I wanted to be loved and pampered. I used to think how do I know for sure whether the person who approached me was the right one for me to take him as a lifetime partner. I have never got the answer....

When I first went to the States (in Azusa), I was approached by A. I liked him as a friend because he was pious, able to recite the verses in the Quran beautifully and the bottom line is he showed me that he cared about me.... but I was too naive to fill the emptiness in his heart then. I have set my goal... that is to study and excel in my study... only if he was not too hasty in making me his special friend I might still be his friend. Why can't he tell me that we should build our friendship for the sake of Allah? I might respond to his letters and telephone calls. I did not give him hope right from the beginning because I was not sure whether he is the right one for me. I was too afraid I would break his heart as well as mine if the relationship did not work later. Ironically, I have broken his heart anyway when I did not respond to his letters. At that point of time I told myself if we were meant for each other Allah will lead us to each other one day. If not, probably there would be a better guy waiting for me and a better girl waiting for him....

When I moved to Turlock, another guy, W, approached me. He tried so many ways to win my heart. He tutored me Calculus and helped me with my Computer Programming assignment (He was paid by the University though). He wrote me a letter asking for my hands. He called begging me to say 'yes' almost every day. He asked an Arab guy (Saeed) whose wife (Ameena) was my good friend to be a mediator so that I would agree to his proposal. When I told him that I would consider a guy's proposal only if the guy asks for me through my parents, he approached Ustaz Mohd Akhir (an MSD officer) who happened to be my late father's friend to propose me on his behalf. Unfortunately, his persistence scared me and pushed me away from him. He kept telling me that he was not a quitter but one thing he did not do to win my heart was he did not show me that he cares about me. He didn't offer any help to carry our bags when we first arrived in Turlock. He made me go to his apartment to borrow a tennis racket when he could just send it to me if he is a gentleman. Unlike A. At least, A was a gentleman. A offered help if I have problems. A brought me and my housemates to Long Beach to make sure that we get halal chicken and treated us dinner at a Chinese Muslim restaurant. Three other minus points with W were he belonged to the Tabligh group (I was afraid that I would be left for 3 months every now and then later), he couldn't drive a car while I could (my Mr Right should be better than I was) and he was rather short physically (about my height- he wouldn't have the power to lift me I guess since I have always wanted my Mr Right to be tall and strong enough to lift me to bed).

At that time ... I wished I could marry an Ustaz graduated from Al Azhar. I wrote letters to my seniors who were studying in Al Azhar trying to get some ideas how the gender population was like among Malaysian students who were studying there but I did not get favourable information. I was too shy to ask them to recommend a Mr Right for me.

Then, during Summer holiday (first year) I decided to go back home for 2 months. There were 3 major reasons: I missed my family; my sister was getting engaged; and I wanted to run away from W and put my mind at peace. However, I got a shock out of my life when I was proposed by my mother's good friend on behalf of her nephew. I was 19 then, and I was proposed through my parents.... wasn't it too young for me to be engaged? What if I fall for someone else later? What if he was not my Mr Right, I thought to myself. Well , he met my first criteria - he proposed me through my parents. He met my second criteria as well - he was tall. But... he was not from Al Azhar, besides he was big (although size has never been set as the criteria for my Mr Right) Above all, I did not know him.. his character -so many unanswered questions: was he caring? was he romantic? was he loving? was he gentle? can he recite the Quran beautifully? can he accept me unconditionally? was he the right guy for me? ... from his picture I knew that he smoked! When I heard his voice over the phone when he called me from NZ, I did not quite like what I heard.... was he my Mr Right? I was really confused and indecisive at that time.

To be able to answer my questions I turned to Allah. I prayed Istikharah and Hajat almost every night to get the answer. It was a tough decision indeed. I kept telling myself ... that what ever decision I made was for real. Once I have said yes, I have to accept him and live with him for the rest of my life. I really felt it was a gamble and I am gambling with my future. How do I know if he is the one? Do I really know he is the one? To tell the truth the answer is 'NO'. I was never sure! My prayers was not answered in a form of dreams but the signs I received was more like the inclination I felt deep inside my heart. I told myself then that I have to be an obedient daughter and I must not embarrass my parents since the proposal came from a family friend (Well, that is me .. always wanting to please everybody except myself). Another sign was from the first letter I received from him expressing his thankfulness towards me for accepting him when I have not given my approval to accept the proposal to my parents. I finally said 'yes' to my parents. It was a tough decision but Alhamdulillah I have made my decision although I was not sure until now whether I have made the right one. I have probably met my Mr Right but I am grateful that I am blessed with 5 children now.... Alhamdulillah. We never know for sure what is best for us in the future ... keep praying and hoping as well as working for the best, to be the best, to get the best. Only Allah knows best.

Therefore my dear daughter, we don't really have to look for Mr Right. Insyaallah your Mr Right will come to your door and knock your heart.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Kirim salam

Hehe... feel blessed indeed. I talked to my immediate boss regarding KJBI's intention to drag me into the ELD. My boss's immediate reaction was KIRIM SALLAM! I chuckled in my heart because I felt funny. It is a good feeling when you know your presence is appreciated in your work place.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

I love him dearly ... with all my hearts.

When you agree to marry a person, you must be ready to live with the same person for the rest of your life. You must agree to go through ups and downs, better or worse, thick and thin you would come across in your life, hand in hand .... together with the same pe rson. You must be willing to love him unconditionally without complaints or regrets.

When I said 'yes' to my mom in 1988, I know that my decision would be final. I have never regret in marrying him for I have faith in my parents' consent. I don't deny we experience some turbulence in our relationship. There were times when I felt so low as a result of his words, actions and attitude but I would always force myself to look at the strength and kindness and not the weaknesses.

I believe in one marriage for a lifetime. He would be my first and my last. My stand will last forever. He is the first and the last person I have given my hearts, my soul, my love, my dignity, my loyalty and my all. I'll make sure he is the luckiest spouse or at least he feels that way. I love him dearly. Nobody could replace him in my heart. NO ONE!

Have a speedy recovery dear. Till death do us part.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

He loves me!

I know my he loves me! He drove all the way from Shah Alam to Melaka for the sake of me! I had problem with my car yesterday. When I was reaching Ayer Keroh I noticed that the car could not go beyond 80km/per hour. I noticed that the temperature went up to 100. After paying the toll, I stopped since I needed to wait for the rest of the convoy (Hj Shaari and the Institute bus). When the car was stalled, I noticed the temperature went up again. I turned off the engine and wind down the screen. I called my husband and told him my worries. Since the car could still be driven, I drove off until I reached the camp site. Unfortunately, I could not drive the car uphill to the chalet. The engine stops in the middle of the hill which forced me to reverse it. I made several attempts but still the car refused to climb the hill. So, I decided to park the car in front of the cafe and we walked up hill. Luckily a student brought his car and I got a lift.

At around 9a.m this morning I felt so blessed and grateful that my husband came to replace my car with his precious car. He could have brought Hilux instead of his Merc. I felt so touched. Deep inside I know he loves me! He cares about me! Thank you dear. I feel truly blessed.

Saturday, May 8, 2010


We can choose to see things from one angle or many angles. We can choose to see strengths or weakness. We could choose to see from the positive side and we could also refuse to see from the positive side. *sigh*. We could also choose to keep quiet to make others happy. We could also choose to appreciate others to make them feel loved.

When we think positively, we will give positive vibes to others. We will say words that are soothing to the ears and we would not dare to hurt others especially to your friends and relatives.

However, when we think negatively, we will utter negative comments that could hurt others' feelings. Sometimes we don't realize what we say give a huge negative impact on others' feelings because we thought we are always right and we are always better than the rest. Sometimes the comments that we made results in emotional depression to others.

Well, we could choose to be positive or negative! We could choose to be humble or boastful. We could choose to accept or reject friendship. The choice is in our hands. We decide! We make the decision! But...we could choose to love but can we choose to be loved? We could choose to respect but can we choose to be respected? We could choose to appreciate others but can we choose to be appreciated? Do we need to earn love, respect and appreciation in order to receive them??

When we are praised by others we hope to share the excitement and happiness and hope to receive the same appraisal. However, when unfavourable remarks are received, after some time we tend not to share anymore because we knew we will not get the confirmation we are seeking for. Instead, we would always feel inadequate.. Irony! Some people are good at making others feel inadequate and some people are good at making others feel otherwise.

Sometimes we wonder ... why??? We know our rank and we are very well aware of our status but that doesn't mean we have no say, right? Some times we thought we have every thing and some other times we realize that we have nothing ... and we wish we have something. At least some thing...

Monday, May 3, 2010

Should I stay?

I like my new work place. It opens the door to the exploration of knowledge. I have no complaint serving the Kokurikulum Unit so far although I am not a certified co-curriculum coach. My boss is pleasant and my colleagues in the unit are helpful. However, serving the English language department (ELD) left me with a lot of question marks. I am lucky that I am serving the ELD as visiting lecturer from other department so that I am not responsible to the head of the ELD.

Now, what bothers me is ...should I stay in the co-curriculum unit where I have no expertise to offer or should I appeal to work in the ELD where I could utilise my expertise and be good at it when I have to teach it.

I know I am capable of working anywhere the director put me. I can even work at IT department another area of my expertise. Punithavathy, a colleague at the co-curriculum unit gave me her piece of mind. She said, it was true that I could work in any department but the bottom line is in which department I would be happy the most? Well, she got an idea there. I am happy in my unit now but the thought of the probability of not able to teach English language makes me become uncertain.

Should I stay in the co-curriculum unit and leave my kind boss and understanding colleagues or should I move to ELD and work for the not-so-wise lady boss? Probably I would just cross the bridge when I come to it and follow my instinct.

Saturday, April 17, 2010


Generally I do believe there are signs for everything. For instance, if you are sleepy you will be yawning. The act of yawning is a sign of being sleepy... the act of yawning could also be a sign of tiredness, resulting the body to signal the brain to stimulate the act of yawning.. does it make sense?

Let us explore deeper the signs of laziness. What are the characteristics in a person who is lazy? Likes to procrastinate; takes a long time to complete simple tasks; refuse to help others; messy; smelly; untidy etc.

What about signs of respect? When you respect a person, you look at her when she is talking. You will be polite towards her. You will try to make sure that she is comfortable. You will not make things harder for her. You will take her ideas and voice out your disagreement in a very subtle manner.

Recently a colleague asked - How do you tell if a person loves you? and how do you tell whether you love a person? What would the sign be? What would a person do if he loves you? Wouldn't he show that he cares about you? Wouldn't he make sure that you are safe and comfortable? Wouldn't he accept you without any conditions? Wouldn't he do anything to please you? Wouldn't he do all the things you like? Wouldn't he hug and kiss you (if you are married to him of course)? Wouldn't he take your hands and wrap his arm around your shoulders passionately? Would a person who love you scold you or nudge you when you try to peck his cheeks? Wouldn't he be there for you during your happy and hard times? Wouldn't he show that he enjoys your presence?

"What do all the signs listed tell you if they are otherwise?", she asked. Well, I told her, these are not the only signs of love. "What else then?", she said eagerly. I asked her the following questions:
Did he provide all the necessity for the household?
Did he care for your well being?
Did he give you all the support you need?
Did he buy you the things you like?
Did he ever tell you that he loves you?
She answered yes! Wouldn't that be enough?
If the answers are Yes then that would be considered the signs... "Signs of what? Responsibility! That is not the signs of love!" she emphasized. "Did he make your life miserable?" I asked her again and No was her answer.
She kept on telling me that she is still unsure of his feelings towards her since he has never shown any passion towards her. "He has never told me he misses me when he is away! What is that signaling you?" she protested. She feels that her presence is only for convenience and she always feels not appreciated... well, I wonder how to soothe her... only Allah has the answer... I guess .. since I was not able to convince her, I told her just to be grateful because it could have been worse. Just be grateful, and grateful and grateful. As long as he is good to you, be good to him. Just look at the good and positive signs and ignore the negatives. After all happiness comes from within. We should be able to choose what we want to look for and focus on. We should choose to look at all the good signs.