Monday, January 26, 2009

I do not own a thing.

Normally, when we own something, we write our names on our belongings to certify the possession. When we buy a car, we have our names listed on the registration card. When we buy a house, we have our names listed on the document of the house. But when our names are not listed on the document, it means we do not own that particular thing. Nevertheless, we need to realize that actually we do not own a thing even if we have our names engraved on the property.

Have you heard this quote, "We borrow the world from our children"? It is true. If we think that way we will not make any destruction to ourselves, to the land, to the sea, to the air and to the environment we live in. We don't even own ourselves. We don't own other people's love. We belong to our Creator. Allah could take our lives away in a matter of seconds and without warning. In fact, all the five children whom I have given birth to are also my temporary possessions. I can't even control their thinking, feeling and sometimes actions. Allah can take them away from me any time. Same thing, Allah can take me away from them any second. I have nothing that I can claim it is mine since everything is temporary. What is permanent? Our good deeds. We are going to bring the good deeds with us in the hereafter to help us on the day of judgment.

Well, you would wonder why and how this topic come about. I am trying to justify my negative thinking, actually. When I think it that way, it helps me to be rational and think positively. Yes, I am the owner of myself for now (until Allah says I have come to the end of my journey), so I must be able to control the way I think and feel. I must be able to heal myself from the depression I am experiencing. Just accept the fact that nobody owns a thing and every thing that we have at the moment are only temporary possessions. Just be grateful. ... truly grateful.

Friday, January 23, 2009

I miss my dad

I called my dad 'abah'. My abah is Ustaz Hussain b Unang, a respectable figure in the world of the muslim scholars in Selangor. Abah inspired me to do many things. Abah knew me well. He knew what I am capable of and he knew my limitations. He gave me the liberty to do my own decision when it involved my future. I was deeply touched when he kissed my cheek after learning that I scored second grade in SPM. Other parents must have yelled and scolded like crazy, but not abah. I cried because I have disappoint him in my SPM results. I blamed myself for not studying harder. His unconditional acceptance had turned me into a book worm and study machine. I became a dean's list and was graduated when I was 21 to buy back the loss in SPM. Abah has never failed to encourage me to continue to pursue my academic achievements. To abah, learning doesn't stop when you have a degree. You always need to improve yourself by learning. Abah was delighted when I embark on my journey to do my master in instructional technology. I was hoping abah could witness me receiving the scroll this time since he was not able to do that after I completed my degree in UoP, Stockton, CA.

Unfortunately, Abah passed away on 20th October 2008 at about 5.40 a.m. in front of me and the rest of the family after a long illness. Although abah is gone, I am blessed to inherit his courage, wisdom and wits besides his looks of course. I have never heard people say unpleasant things about abah. People adore him, admire him, look up to him, listen to him, concern about him and view him as a GURU.

When abah was sick and bed ridden, I made a point to kiss him every time I see him. I did not want to regret later. Yet, I still feel that how I wish I could have kissed him more often. I miss him dearly. I am very proud to be his daughter. I feel blessed to have his blood running in my arteries and veins. I am proud to say that I am Ustaz Hussain Unang's daughter.

I pray that abah will always be protected by Allah and the angels. I hope I could see abah in the hereafter as a family. Abah will always be the pillar of my strengths even if he is gone.

Hana rindu abah. Hana doakan abah tenang and sentiasa dalam rahmat keampunan Allah selalu.
Jangan berhenti mendoakan kesejahteraan Hana dunia dan akhirat ya bah.

Not that I am not grateful.....

I am grateful. Indeed.. but I couldn't help thinking and wondering why am I feeling not appreciated. I could have been wrong to feel this way. I may just misunderstand, but I could tell others look at me with sympathetic eyes. It is very difficult to describe. It is beyond words. I know life has to go on. Many depends on me.

I am beginning to look back more nowadays. Reminiscing the moments when I was very much younger. Looking at and analyzing the implications of my own decisions before. How I wish I were stronger emotionally and psychologically so that I could stand up and defend my rights to choose. Well, nevertheless, I admit that everything happens for reasons. I should not regret... I know, but I just need a companion who would accept my fouls and weakness without making fun or intimidating my lack of wisdom sometimes.

It hurts so much inside... after all the sacrifices... Of course the sacrifices couldn't be translated into material wealth. They are sacrifices of dreams, sacrifices of youth, sacrifices of times, sacrifices of self satisfaction, sacrifices of self accomplishment, sacrifices of energy and above all sacrifices of emotion. What is left inside me is determination and faith that those sacrifices mention will be paid with heaven.

I used to think what would I get in return and why don't I get the same in return after I have given all that I have left in my heart. But not anymore because I have stopped hoping. I very well know what I deserve: I deserve to earn some care, some touch, some smile, some respect, some concern, some hug and probably just a drop of love? if not some?. Am I asking too much. Am I being not grateful? I don't need material wealth. It never excite me and it never will. Think of me as a companion and not a possession.

I don't mean to hurt anybody with my writing. I am just pouring out what is going on in my head and in my heart at the point of time when I am typing so that I won't fall sick inside. I may not think this way at other times. Keep it to yourself since revealing your response to me will hurt me even more.